terminal; frerard

terminal lung cancer

franks pov**

i pay a lot of attention to the weather, more than id like to admit and more than any regular person should. dark clouds that threaten rain are my favorite. storms are even better (bonus if they include loud thunder.) nothing is more calming than playing in the rain; watching it fall from the sky; feeling it soak your hair; letting it give you chills. i think my infatuation with storms started when i was younger, id beg my mom to let me play in the muddy waters that layed in the backyard of our mobile home. if it wasnt for those murky puddles i might not even be the person i am today.

i lay my dogs leash on the counter as i fight for enough breath to take bear for a bath walk. in, out, in, out. the small amount of air that i am getting comes in shallow breaths, yet i cant get them any deeper. i lean onto the counter for balance, but the room still spins slightly. it never feels like im having a panic attack, it feels like theres some really fat man sitting on my lungs laughing about how much power he has over my life. yeah, thats man is named tumor. tumor is a fuxking bixch. he bounces on my lungs like a trampoline and my body convulses and shakes trying to get him out. it never works but my body doesnt ever seem to give up. i dont have a choice but to hack up my lungs (most of the time blood.) i gasp when the fat man decides to hop off my lungs and give me a break. for how long, i really dont know.

i stand back up and clip the leash to my dogs collar. i brush my fingers over the silver tag that reads "bear" the b looks like an L for whatever reason. i wish i could just get him a new one, maybe one with my address too, but it seems as if i never have time. Bear is a malinois mixed with something i never found out. hes a light tan color, darker around his muzzle. built like a lion although hes just a few months old. five to be exact. he requires most of my attention all the time because well.. mals are bred to be military dogs. although Bear is only half mal, he makes up for it with his smarts. he's pretty high maintenance but he keeps me safe.

i tug his leash just a bit towards me, he pops up and struts to my side while giving me a look of "fuxk yeah we're going on a walk bixches."

once we're out my door we begin our little journey to the park. its a run down park and not many people really go there. trees have grown into the middle of the bars meant for climbing children. its really pretty despite being so uncared for. which in a way, is a good metaphor to describe a lot of things.

the clouds were dark to my liking. although i love storms, Bear isnt all for them. as long as theres no crazy thunder he does good.

i look at the cracked sidewalk and untamed grasses of my neighborhood. sometimes i honestly wished someone would come and wave some magic around and make this dump prettier, most of the time i just want it to all stay the same. theres a beauty in untamed things. i think thats why i likes the run down park so much. its untouched by perfection and possibly the most beautiful place ill ever be; and i have it all to myself. but at the same time, rules and perfection can be nice. i try to find a balance of it. i visit stores and nice restaurants but also go to run down dumps like... my neighborhood.

as the sky gets a bit darker i wonder how long until its pitch black. i dont tend to worry about night too much, i like night. i walk
past house upon house. some have kids toys outside, others look like mine (unlived in and very... alone.)

i arrive to the park and take a few steps into the trees before letting Bear run around with his leash still clipped to his collar. the park smells of forest and soil. its probably my favorite smell. like the musky damp smell after rain almost, except a bit less wet i guess.

Bear ran to the playground equipment and then back to me and then to some trees... he repeated that over and over. his legs pumping and tongue (and spit) flying. i let bear tire himself out before training so i dont ware myself out too much. terminal lung cancer kept me from a lot of things, playing with my dog being one. dont let it stop you now i think please dont let it stop you ever. somewhere deep down though, i know ill die with this disease. somewhere less deep, i know ill go down kicking and screaming.