Magicians Suck

Disclaimer: We do not own Black Magician Trilogy. It belongs to Trudi Canavan.

Warning: You either fall on your butt laughing at the story, or shut your whole computer in disgust in this story. Do not read this in a library as chances of you laughing out loud is high as this story is super hilarious! Our purpose of writing this story is not to condemn the Black Magician Trilogy but to take a new approach on writing. Despite this being Canavan's work, we own the ideas in this story so if u steal it, we will steal your balls.

Another warning: Me (Ming Gui) and Yi Jia (wattpad acc: yijia96) do not grow up under the influence of the English language. We are Chinese but our country teaches us English in school. So please excuse us for our mistakes and the numerous Chinese/Hokkien slangs here (but we will explain the slangs to u). So when you see a * at a word, scroll down to see the word's meaning.

CHAPTER 1: The cursed BMT books

Have you ever wondered if your BMT books are cursed? Have you ever wondered what might happen to you when you open them? Below is what happens to Kitty and Miyuki that started off their adventures in the Guild...

"Hey, isn't this the book that our English teacher extracted from into our English Comprehension?" Miyuki cried out in surprise as she spotted the Black Magician Trilogy books arranged neatly on the bookshop shelf.

Kitty gasped out,"Oh yah..."

She grabbed the Magician's Guild book and flipped through it. Sure enough there was the familiar scene of "Bring me my robes" on one of the pages. Miyuki shrieked in delight and snatched the book away from kitty. She remembered during that time during English class, the teacher had asked two students to act out that scene. It turned into a comedy play because as the 'Takan' kneels to the 'High Lord', the 'Takan' lifted the robes of the 'High Lord' to see what's underneath.

"Shut up! The two of you are making so much noise and disrupting everyone!" the bookshop assistant got off the counter and silenced the two girls.

"But... But this book is just so damn awesome!" Miyuki exclaimed in wonderment and awe.

The bookshop assistant stared at us as though we were mad before suggesting, "Well... Since you all like the books so much, buy it! Now we are having a sale ― buy all 3 books of the Black Magician trilogy for only $5!"

Miyuki whooped in delight after hearing that and with a speed as quick as lightning, she grabbed all the Black Magician Trilogy books and dashed to the counter. As she headed to the counter, she spun back to Kitty, "Don't you want to read the whole trilogy and see if there is anymore servant propose to master scene? We divide the $5 cost. You pay $4, I pay $1!"

She threw a dollar coin at the counter and rushed out of the little bookshop with the 3 books. Given the thickness of the books, an uneducated person would probably think she was a hardworking student who bought a whole encyclopaedia. While waiting for Kitty to exit the bookshop, she examined the covers of the books.

Miyuki couldn't help but let out her high-pitched trademark laugh as she observed the covers in great details. The cover of Magician's Guild reminded her of a magician who was going to bang her head with a pole to commit suicide. The cover of Novice reminded her of a magician who was carrying a pole on his shoulder to hang some clothes. Whereas the cover of High Lord resembled a magician who just saw a rat and was trying to hit the rat with the lifted pole.

Too absorbed in her laughter, she rolled all over the ground, laughing like a barbarian. The bookshop door finally swung open, revealing Kitty, not very pleased that Miyuki had cheated her of her money though some part of her anticipated reading the Black Magician Trilogy by Trudi Canavan. Their English teacher had read a part of it to the class and asked them to do a comprehension on it. Miyuki couldn't care less about languages so she wrote a whole chunk of nonsense and submitted it.

"Hey, let me have the Novice book. I like the pole cover. It's like those old farmers carrying their goods on a pole." Kitty said and snatched Novice.

Miyuki snorted and held up High Lord. "How low of you. You choose a weak novice whereas I... I CHOOSE THE HIGH LORD!"

Not wanting to be defeated, Kitty grabbed the Magician's Guild. "You have the High Lord, so what? I have the WHOLE MAGICIAN GUILD!"

Still squabbling over which book was more powerful, Kitty and Miyuki proceeded to a bench and sat down, dying to start reading the books.

"Let's open Novice first! I want to see of the magicians are really *garang guni!" Kitty urged. Miyuki nodded and flipped the Novice book open with eager hands.

During the very second when Miyuki opened the book, a puff of smoke rose up from the book, surprising the two of them. "Wow, the book is catching fire?" Miyuki shrieked in a bewildered voice, while Kitty looked intrigued.

And then another more shocking event happened.

The puff of smoke arranged itself to form an image of a boy in brown robes.

"What the..." Miyuki gasped, too stunned for words.

The boy smirked at them and hissed at them with an ugly grin on his face. "Come with me, the two of you. Follow me to the Magician's Guild. I am Regin, from House of Paren, Family Winar..."

Kitty yelled," Are you crazy? May the High Lord whack your ass like a baby!"

Kitty opened the High Lord book, not fully expecting a so-called High Lord to pop out of it.

But he did.

An image of a rather handsome man in black robes with golden incal emerged from the book. Now, Kitty and Miyuki could feel their heart racing.

"What is happening?" Miyuki stuttered, her face pale. Kitty was so horrified that she fell off the bench.

"Bring me my robes." the High lord commanded. Miyuki and Kitty screamed out a 'HELP' in horror. The High Lord realized that no one is responding to him and snapped irritably," The book has weakened me. I need your strength."

"You... You... **Xiao ah..." Miyuki's voice was trembling.

Kitty, luckily, had a brilliant idea. "Go back to your boobs!" she shouted as she closed Novice and High Lord with a loud snap.

Silence. A peaceful yet deadly silence. The sweat from Kitty's forehead dripped onto the grass, providing them with water and salt. Kitty looked at Miyuki, Miyuki looked at Kitty, then they both looked at the Magician's Guild book. A novice and high lord had already frightened them this much. What if they opened the Magician's Guild?

"I think we should burn these books," Kitty suggested, still unable to get over the shock she had just now.

Miyuki shook her head. "No! Burning them waste money! Let's sell them to a garang guni and let the garang guni go to the Magician's Guild."

Kitty nodded, finding the idea of pranking a karang guni very tempting. And the two of them turned to all of the three books, their gazes locked on them cautiously.

Then, a gust of wind came.

Their worst nightmare had come true. The pages of the Magician's Guild were exposed, the crisp papers flapping with the wind. Like negative charges and positive charges, Kitty and Miyuki couldn't help but be attracted into the book. Their screams were lost in the wind and there wasn't a single soul nearby to save them.

There was hope when an old lady strolled by, humming an old song. But all hope vanished again when the old lady grabbed her chest in shock, breathing heavily. The last thing they saw before darkness engulfed them was the old lady collapsing to the ground.

*garang guni- a rag and bone man who collects unwanted items from you and pay you a sum of money for that item's price.

**xiao- crazy