Lessons [completed]

Self Aware

Emily and I had been doing good for a week. We texted and saw each other before and after school. It wasn't the same, but it was something. We could talk to each other again, and that was something we rarely did for the past few months. Of course, I didn't have high hopes. It was Monday, a week and a half after bringing Emily to my tree-house. We hung out there sometimes, but we mostly just hung out at our houses.

On this infamous Monday, Elaine invited me over to a park near her house late at night. I usually didn't go out late on school night's, but I was desperate for Elaine. I needed her to intoxicate me to get my mind off the broken and dead relationship I was trying to glue back together.

When I parked in the parking lot, I noticing the tall, black figure sitting on a swing. She wasn't facing my direction, so she had no idea I was there. I stared at her for the longest time as I just leaned against the hood of my car. She was thin yet strong and muscular. Every visible inch of her skin was attractive, especially to a lesbian.

Eventually, I mustered up enough bravery to approach her. I strolled up behind her, hands in my pastel coat, and stood directly behind her swing.

"You called?" I said.

She jumped in her seat and turned her head to see me. Then, when she saw who it was, she got up and ran around the swing to hug me. Her arms wrapped around my torso, pulling me close to her body. My cheek pressed against her chest, and I could smell her distinct smoky scent. It was like home, but I never took my hands out of my pockets.

Once she let go, she took a step back and tilted her head. "What's wrong?"

I got a good look at her. Black sweatshirt, skinny jeans, and Vans. She must've been freezing her ass off, but it was so cute on her, not to mention the black snapback that  she fashioned on her noggin.

I said, "Nothing, I'm just not sure how I feel about you anymore. You know I'm in love with Emily, right?"

She took a step close, watching my lips closely with a tiny smile on hers. Her hands slowly slid underneath my arms to hold my waist, but I continued keeping my hands in my pockets. She stood so close that I could feel her warm breath on my face. Her breath smelled like smoke too, but it was nice.

"Do you really? That's interesting."

I stepped away, forcing her to let go of me.

"I do. Things are getting better between us. You were wrong."

She scoffed. "It's still awkward. I watch you guys at lunch, and it's not the same. But, I do see how you look at me."

I chuckled. "I give you the heart eyes?"

"No," she said. "Your eyes are full of guilt."

I immediately stopped smiling and looked away. She was right. I didn't give her the heart eyes. I was too good at hiding my romantic feelings for people because of how gay I was. However, it was easy to trace my guilt.

"What are you proposing?" I asked.

"Stop feeling guilty. Pick me. I know you want to, so stop lying to yourself and Emily. If you really loved us, you would dump her and be with me."

I was shocked. I couldn't fight her because I knew she was right. How could I be so wrong about Emily and our relationship? It was almost like her explanation was perfect. I wasn't even skeptical.

Still, I refused to admit she was right.

"I can't, Elaine."

Her eyes moved from my lips to my eyes and then to the ground. She gave me a fake, forced laugh and stepped away multiple times. Then, her eyes moved back up.

"You really love her, huh?"

I nodded, and she took a step forward.

"And you want to be with her?"

I nodded, feeling increasingly suspicious. She stepped forward again. Her eyes followed my lips again, as if I was saying these things about her. Maybe I was.

"And you want me to back off?"

I hesitated, but nodded. She stepped forward so that we were extremely close again. To my surprise, a small smile tickled her lips. I felt my heart flutter.

"So we have to say goodbye?" When I didn't respond, she placed her frozen hands on my cheeks and brought her face close. I kept my hands in my pockets, and, because I didn't push her away, her face inched towards mine. Her lips were so close, I couldn't stop myself. "Goodbye kiss?"

I didn't respond, so she slowly brought my lips forward and kissed me. Kissed me softly and sweetly. It wasn't the drunk or angry Elaine. It wasn't her trying to show off to threaten Emily. It wasn't her macho attitude. It was Elaine being Elaine. Being her true self and making herself vulnerable to me.

It wasn't just an innocent kiss, either. Her lips continuously reconnected to mine, making up for lost kisses and love. It felt right. I don't know how to explain it otherwise, and I loved it.

I took my hands out of her pockets and placed them on her waist. She was tall and towered over me, so it felt silly having her hold my head while I held her waist. It was cute and fun and amazing. It was nothing like what I felt near Emily anymore.

Once she let go, which she did slowly, I stared at her lips and grabbed the bottom of her sweatshirt. God, I wanted more. I wanted to feel her body and trace her muscles and sit on her lap, but I couldn't. Especially not in a park.

"Are you sure this is goodbye? Or was that a hello kiss?"

I was speechless. How could she do that to me? I was trying, okay? I was trying to love Emily again. I wanted it to work.

"Elaine, I—"

I didn't know what to say. I wanted her to shut me up with more kissing.

"Jynx, I'm sorry, but I think you and Emily are done. I would really love to help you through it if there was any chance, but there isn't, and trying to rescue her is pointless. But I'm not pointless. I'm worth it. Please give me a chance."

My hands slowly let go of the bottom of her sweatshirt. I took in a deep breath and exhaled. She was confusing me because then I had no idea what was wrong or right. I used to think that sticking by Emily was the best thing I could do, but letting her go seemed like the best option. After all, if you really love someone, you should let them go.

"Okay," I whispered. "Okay, you're right. I want you."

I grabbed the collar of her sweatshirt and pulled her close. Our lips crashed together, and she kissed back. We kissed like we were starving for each other, like we've missed breathing right, and like the stars haven't aligned until tonight.

She kissed me. God, I still can't forget it. She kissed with passion and tongue, and it was better than Emily. She couldn't do that to me anymore.

Her hands pulled my hips close, like a dance. We danced together; we danced with lips and hips.

Right when I thought nothing could top that, she pulled away.

"Would you like to be my girlfriend?" she asked.

I tilted my head to the side, the taste of her lips stained on my mouth. I put my hands in my pockets again.

"Don't fuck it up this time." I nodded.