Lessons Of Life

Chapter 2: Am I Breaking Again?

      I feel myself sinking again. Falling deeper and deeper down this trench of doubt and misery. It's painful, what I feel inside. Ever since my boyfriend cheated on me with one of my friends,  and my pop pop got cancer and my dog started growing weaker, I've felt myself growing stronger but deep down breaking once again. I know what it feels like to break and be broken. I don't want to go there again. But I don't know if I can be strong much more. I'm wearing myself out. Everyone says that I'm coping real well with this and that I'm doing great but no one sees what's really going through my mind, no one sees me when I'm alone in my room, no one sees me when I have a mental breakdown. But at least I can come off as okay. At least I can fake it every now and then. Some days I can't even fake a smile anymore. Some days I just can't pretend. But other days I snap out of it and tell myself I'm stronger than that and that I'm amazing and don't deserve to feel this way. Sometimes I believe myself, other times I don't. But that's my demons who are climbing back out. For a while I've kept my demons buried and had full control of them. Now I feel my body becoming weak and my demons taking advantage of my vulnerable state. By demons, I mean depression. But I can't let that happen again. My demons had control over me for 3 years and I finally learned to control them. It's moments like this where I feel like it was all for nothing. I found myself and I was happy for once and realized the true meaning of life and how beautiful it could be. But heartbreak can really change someone and their views on things. At first I tried to look at it as another lesson of life. A lesson of trust. But now I feel like it's all crumbling down again. My life, the world around me, it's all coming down. But I'm not gonna let it happen again. I'm no longer going to be the sad girl everyone knew me as. I'm trying to change and be happy and positive because positivity is the only way out. It's the only way to defeat your demons inside you. So yes, some days I may feel this way but that's just the price you have to pay in life. You have to be put down every now and then or you won't get the full affect of life. Heartbreak is something so powerful on the human body, physically and mentally. Some people may not take it as well as I've been trying to, and others may take it better than I have. Heartbreak is another factor of life. It's something that's going to happen to all of us, multiple times in our lives. We will all live through it and grow stronger. We can and we will learn how to cope with it. It doesn't have to be just heartbreak from a partner, it could be a family member, a friend, a death. Anything can arouse heartbreak. But you just have to learn how to deal with it and grow from it. We can't run from it, no one can. We can't run from life. It's always going to be there, and that's why we must learn to deal with it, because when you deal with it and think positive, it won't be so bad. Life can be great if you think about the good qualities. But when you think about the bad stuff don't bring yourself down too much. It's okay to feel a little broken every now and then. It just shows you you're human. And it helps you become a stronger you than before. Sometimes your mind can be the greatest escape, and other times it could be your worst mistake. You just have to know how to submerge the bad mistakes. Everyone struggles, everyone cries, everyone feels broken sometimes, and everyone feels like giving up. No one in this world is alone. We are all living in this world with you and growing as humans and learning more and more about life each and everyday. You are not the only broken one. Even people who come off perfectly fine can be the most broken inside. Don't feel different because you are sad. It means you are just as human as the rest of us. It's a cliche statement but, life will have its ups and downs, just remember when you're at the bottom, the only way back is up. Life is made to be a rollar coaster for all of us. It's made to strengthen us and help us grow.
    Along the ride you will run into lessons. I've come to the conclusion that life is just a big lesson. What happens to you emotionally or physically is all a lesson. It's a lesson of living. When you have days of doubt, it's a lesson of strength. When you have anxiety about something, it's a lesson of faith. When you feel like giving up, it's a lesson of hope. When you are fearful, it's a lesson of bravery. When you are broken to the point of breakdowns, and you feel as if you don't wanna be here anymore, that is the lesson of believining yourself. I could go on but these lessons are important to us as humans. When you are going through these lessons you may feel like giving up, and many people do give up, but if you push yourself and keep trying you will learn that lesson and you will grow stronger, braver, and more confident. Life is a lesson of living. And in order to learn from these lessons, you must live. You have to push yourself through your troubles and doubts. You can't run away because that only causes you to grow weaker. Everything we go through is only to help us in the future. It is only for us to learn our strength and abilities. It is for us to believe in ourselves and grow stronger. It is for us to understand life. Many people nowadays are giving up on these lessons, don't be one too. Don't give up. Keep going, keep building, keep learning! Life is crazy but it's one hell of a lesson. I'm still learning. I'm going through all of these lessons too. I've had moments where I wanted to give up so bad but I'm learning to cope, and I'm learning the reasons of living. You can't waste your time dwelling on the past or who you used to be. Everything happens for a reason, and these reasons are lessons. The key is to stay positive, stay strong, keep your head held high, and to have faith. Because it'll only help you grow as the human being you are. Just remember you're not alone. Those who have struggled, are those who have been blessed. You haven't lived if you've never felt pain. And you haven't been whole if you've never felt broken.