Lessons Of Life

Chapter 3: Depression = Monster

     The last time I knew the real me was in 8th grade. After that I was stolen by the monster we call depression. 9th grade myself, and my parents realized I was growing weaker and they noticed my depression. In order to help me through it they got me a cat. It sounds stupid but it helped. I've wanted a cat my whole life but my parents always said no because they were both allergic. They took the risk to get me this cat because they were worried about me. I didn't even realize the real me was gone until my parents told me they were noticing change. My cat helps me a lot through it. She grew to be my best friend. To this day, she never leaves my side and she is my everything.
     10th grade I went to a new school because my old school was what made my depression worse. I didn't have anyone at that school. I was alone. I came to this new school sophomore year because a lot of my old friends went there. Not only that but my brother, who is basically my best friend, got in too. We are a year a part and without him I don't know what I would do. Currently I'm in 11th grade and I'm still attending this school with my friends and my brother. Life started looking better for me. But that wasn't stopping depression. Depression didn't like seeing me happy. It kept trying to drag me down. But I kept fighting.
      In the beginning of this year I was still suffering with depression. I still am to this day but it's not as bad because I learned to control it. Not completely but I'm getting closer and closer everyday to destroying it. With depression you feel trapped. When you feel like giving up and you feel weak, this is depression talking. It's not you. In that moment it feels like you but trust me that's what depression does. It manipulates you. It makes you think this is who you really are. When I finally felt happy in the beginning of this year I didn't know who the hell I was. Because for 3 years I only ever knew myself as the sad lonley girl who wanted to do nothing but sit in her room, alone, listening to music. I had no life inside of me. Then this year when I felt everything go away. I felt like my depression gave up, or just left me alone because my brain was trying so hard to find myself. There was a long period of time where I didn't feel like I was even on this planet. I felt like I was high for months upon months. When I felt my head finally come back I realized that I was finding happiness because after that period of time I felt alive. I don't know what happened but it's like I found myself and I grew stronger. I realized the reason of life and I just had this overwhelming feeling of happiness and peace. It almost felt like my depression was sucked out of me. I was finally the real Haley. The Haley that I knew in 8th grade. Before my depression stole her away from me. And I literally cried tears of joy because I felt okay for once. My life was a never ending series of dead ends for 3 years. Those dead ends are your depression. It's your depression restricting you from going any where. It's controlling you and you're letting it because you feel threatened and weak. You feel like giving up and your depression knows that. Your depression is a monster and when you show weakness it grows stronger. That's why it's so important to stay strong and stay positive because that's how you defeat it. Depression keeps the real you locked up in this little room in your mind. It's holding the real you hostage. And it's mimicking a new you, only this time with depression. The real you is still there. It's waiting to break free. And those dead ends are just different ends of that little room. You have to try and get out and break free from the depression. And I say it all the time but the only way is to stay strong and positive. You have to have faith in yourself and believe in yourself. You have to get angry. You have to want to be happy and want to break free. It'll take time but I promise its not impossible. I've been there. I know it's not impossible
Depression is a never ending battle between yourself and that monster in your head. You chose your battles. Sometimes the depression can beat you up so much, you can't fight anymore. Depression is very powerful. But you are even more powerful, you just don't realize it. I used to think depression was my only friend. But I soon realized how fake it was and manipulative it is. It wants you to feel comforted by it. It wants you to feel like it is all you have. But that's not the case. It's slowly killing you and taking advantage of your well being. You can defeat it. Yes you'll lose a couple battles here and there. But you can win the war. It sounds stupid, but talk to it. Talk to the depression, show them who's boss. The monster is in YOUR body. You have to talk to yourself and tell yourself you got this. Threaten your depression. Tell it that it won't win. Tell it your not giving up. Put on the fight. Show it you are for real. It won't be forever I promise. You may grow tired of constantly fighting and losing the battles but you can win the war. But before the war, comes battles. You just have to stay strong and keep fighting