Broken Boy (Septiplier [Discontinued]) ↫ m.f + s.m ↬

№ 4 • Denial

ᎷᎥᏝᎴ ᏖᏒᎥᎶᎶᏋᏒ ᏇᏗᏒᏁᎥᏁᎶ
This chapter contains references to anxiety and depression.

A/N ♥
What is uppp fam ♡
Holy freaking hell this book has reached over 1K reads! ✩
DONUTS FOR EVERY ONE OF YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE 🍩
I'm so so happy that more and more people are discovering and enjoying my book, thank you guys so much for all the love in the comments and my inbox, it means the world and inspires me to keep writing ✎~♥

Whenever I can't find a suitable Septiplier pic to be the cover of a chapter imma include some random music I've been obsessed with bc quite a few of yous discovered a new favourite of yours in "Believe" by Alfie & Serotone, which I added to chapter two ^.^

This chapter is, again, a little shorter but I hope you enjoy it ♬

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Mark's POV
The avenue alongside the school grounds had a wideness I loved. It was open and inviting and reminded me of walks in the parkland; my eyes eating up the lush green of the leaves stretching across overhead branches, the air leaving soft kisses on my skin as small gusts passed me by. I loved the pavement, cracked and unkempt and imperfect, and how the sun still crept beyond the tall buildings to touch it with its warmth.
But today it was different. I noticed none of it, my backpack slipping from one shoulder as I stumbled, blinded, helpless, drowning in the black, tumbling into a familiar feeling of overpowering sadness and fear and self-loathing. It was as though I were in an open shop and the light switch was spontaneously thrown, a clerk emerging from the darkness to explain that the shop was never really there in the first place, and I began to cry, body wracked with sobs, as though my soul were being shredded from the inside, the world vanished and replaced by pain enough to break me, pain enough to change me beyond recognition.
'N... No... it can't be...'
But it is. I know it is, but I wanted to refuse, forget, suppress, erase. I sunk to the ground, head in my hands, tension igniting like a cluster of spark plugs within my abdomen, and I wondered why the fuck this was happening after seven months of normality. My mind was unraveling, the threads of every happy memory but a disarray of strings scattered about my feet, my mouth open but not a sound escaping; an eternal silent scream.
A panic attack.

Sean's POV
'Fuck.'
He'd cast upon me his spell, as he'd done with just about every student on campus, and I didn't want to accept it. I willed myself, over and over, to forget the flawless skin, the mahogany and hickory and swirls of dark cinnamon reflected in his glimmering eyes, the lopsided smirk, the tuft of hair that drifted on the breeze as he walked. Because it made me long to know the person underneath; the answer to the brokenness hidden behind his stare, the darkness dwelling beneath the light of the surface. I no longer wanted to be invisible; just another guy he passed in the hallway, the introverted nerd hiding beneath oversized sweaters, the isolated freak, the nobody. But I didn't want to be like all the girls he had carelessly discarded.

I... I wanted... him to feel... differently about me.

A voice within my soul, a side of me I had never before seen, urged me to obtain a ticket to the train he was conducting, the mystery and charm and loveable unpredictability, just to see where I'd wind up. My thoughts of him accelerated within my head; I willed them to slow so I could catch my breath, but they resisted, pulling the stars from the galaxy and into my eyes in a glistening longing, my lips curled into a sheepish grin and a blush across my cheeks.
'Fuck it, Sean. He's gotta be straight, and even if he weren't he'd be thousands of miles out of your league. Forget it.'
But I couldn't. Because he had stolen my heart without even knowing it was in his pocket.

Mark's POV
'I... I thought... I thought I'd become fucking strong...'
My every breath came in shallow gasps, raspy and uncontrolled and staggering, the panic a deluge of ice surrounding my every limb, creeping higher and higher, suffocating, an invisible hand clasped over my mouth. A ghostly hypodermic of adrenaline pierced my heart, unloading before I could catch my breath, my head a carousel of fears spinning out of control. Because I couldn't love him, I couldn't make him my one stability in a world filled with chaos like I so desperately wanted, needed, because he was a he and I needed a she; a she that would finally extinguish my yearning for connectivity and compatibility, interlocked hands and passionate kisses and gentle embraces and never-ending conversations. Because if I had a he everyone would hate me, despise me, destroy me, even though a part of me wanted so strongly to believe that their negativity would be but a transformation of their shame and insecurities. Because I, a he, can't be in love with another he; it's just unnatural, everyone says, disgusting and repelling and unacceptable. And I detested it because I was one of those guys that liked other guys and that was just the way it was and the way it always had been no matter how much I'd tried to resist it, deny it, suppress it.
So on the ground I stayed, hiding my face beneath my tear-stained palms, panicked and depressed and intensively self-loathing, alone and afraid and a liar. Because every time I see him I fall even more for him, and every time is harder than the last.

• • •

Ooh Mark has anxiety who saw that coming  >﹏<