Thoughts Inside My Head(Sophomore Year) Pt 2{COMPLETE}

SNS

So, I'm obviously not normal, whatever normal means. I've self diagnosed myself as a schizophrenic sociopathic narcissist.

So, I find myself telling lies to people, like not that I want to lie, but I mean, sometimes when I'm talking to a person, I lie right to their face. And, I find it humorous and fun, people are so easily fooled and, saying things with confidence really sells it to them. And, I can understand how other people feel and I understand what they go through, even when they think I can't, but I can't feel it. Like, say someone close to you died, I understand it, I understand your pain, but I can't feel it, I won't either, I try to not feel it, but at the same time, I want to be more human so I try. I've also noticed that my "charm" that I have actually allure's people. I've been told that I'm easy to talk to and that I'm trust worthy. Also, in the past five months I've built a lot of really close friendships really fast. Everyone has problems, everyone wants to have someone to talk to about them, if you are like me, you can just ask, and they'll open up to you, it's great how much trust one person can get in two weeks. But, I mean, I just wish that the people I help would think I'm th only one who can help them. I wish they relied on me for help, like a how the people of faith rely on God in the "darkest" of times. I just wish people would always come to me and only to me. I'm always the one, however, getting turned down. I just wish that I could be the one who destroys someone's hope. Like, I actually probably could, but there's just this side of me that says don't do it. I'm at war with myself, sometimes, I just wanna build all that hope, trust and love with someone, and when they're really happy, just destroy it or tease them about destroying it. You see, the way normal bullies bully is they start negatively. They're doing it wrong, you have to get close to your victim, and then tear them apart from within, that's when it's so satisfying... but, I actually don't know that. Despite me talking about hurting people so bad emotionally, the only person I have destroyed emotionally is myself. How? I over dramatized my parents fallout. I make it sound worse than it actually is. I blame myself even when I know it isn't my fault. I tear myself apart, I punish myself so harshly, whether it be stripping myself of clothing and jumping in the snow or letting my skin dry and peel off the dead skin and then using a hairdryer to "sooth" it, I just.... I dunno. Sometimes it's just easier to blame yourself, you know? It's the only thing that makes sense. My friends are always like, "Luis, please tell me what's wrong" or whatever, but they're just fueling my need for attention, the more I get the more I want. And, I just want it to destroy it and see their reaction to it. I like seeing reactions, it's just what I do. Heck, I even ask myself if I'm alright and then when I actually start helping myself, I instantly go back to torturing myself with my "Moody" playlist on Spotify. I think the only thing that makes me so happy is seeing my reflection, cause, damn, do I look good? If you've never seen a picture of me, I'll take one and post it, so you can see the most recent picture, but dang, if I could, I'd date myself. Could like technology catch up already with my fantasies, I just wanna clone myself, kissing the mirror makes too much of a mess, I either have to clean the mirror to rid the lip marks, or I leave them there and get yelled at for kissing my reflection, there's just no winning.