Tell No One I Loved Them

1

"She was a very...mild young lady. Always soft spoken and kind in thought and deed. She never worked against someone and she never spoke ill of anyone."

Ben rolled his eyes. That was the thing about funerals. They were depressing and more often then not, the speaker didn't even know the person who died. He glanced around the room at the solemn faces and tried to hide his disgust at the people who were sobbing.

He had just talked to Kate a week ago and she seemed fine. But deep down, Ben knew that wasn't true. He knew she was hurting, and how alone she felt. But he never pressed her to tell him what she was thinking. But sitting in the creaky chair in the middle of the auditorium, he realized he should've. Maybe if he had, he wouldn't be in a room with people who hardly knew her, listening to a speaker struggle for words to describe his best friend.

Ben took a deep breath and looked over to the side. Kate's ex, Louis, was trying to hide the fact that he was crying. His body slightly shook and every so often he'd pinch his nose, wiping away tears in the process. Their relationship ended on a bad note, and Ben could only imagine what Louis was thinking he could've done differently. He wondered if he'd gotten the call, too.

"She was a joy to be around. And she will forever be missed." The speaker concluded and walked down to Kate's family to give them his condolences. Ben felt a pain in his chest and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before sucking in a breath and standing up with the rest of his row. They made their way out of the aisle and down to the front of the auditorium where the family stood.

Kate's dad looked as if he hadn't slept since they found out. Dark circles encased his eyes and his brow was furrowed in concentration. But he didn't look like he'd been crying. Her mother was a different story. Her eyes were bright red and puffy as tears still spilled onto her cheeks. She kept looking up towards the ceiling as if she were attempting to stop crying. Ben felt a lump in his throat as he approached Kate's parents.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Howard."

"Thank you, Ben." Mr. Howard said, bringing Ben in for a hug. Mrs. Howard gave him a tight hug, the kind he'd seen her give Kate many times.

Her brother, Tommy, sat next to his parents, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Ben kneeled down, trying to get Tommy's attention. He looked up slightly, his eyes brimming with tears. "I never told her I loved her," he whispered before biting his quivering lip.

"It's okay, kiddo. She knew you loved her." Ben said, his voice cracking slightly. "But you know what?" Tommy looked up at Ben's question. "I never told her I loved her, either."

Tommy reached out and hugged him, his small body shaking violently as he sobbed into Ben's suit. You could hear the whispers from on lookers as they watched the young boy crying. Sympathy. Pity. Some even in disgust. Ben ignored them as he comforted the boy.

When Tommy pulled away, Ben handed him a tissue and walked away, avoiding the slew of people who were congregating in circles throughout the auditorium. When he was out the front doors the sky was dark. Heavy clouds loomed over the building and thunder rumbled in the distance.

He walked over to the side where some raised, brick flower beds awaited, ready for the spring to come. He sat on the edge, over looking the field near the building. The air smelt like rain and the soft breeze calmed him.

"She always loved the rain." Ben turned around as a young lady walked up. "Kate. She always loved the rain."

Ben looked up. "Yeah, she did. She loved to dance in it, too."

"I'm April," she said, extending a hand towards him.

"Ben." He took her hand and shook it firmly. He hoped she'd go away soon, all he wanted was to be alone with his memories for awhile.

April walked to his other side and sat on the edge of the flower bed. Her blonde curls hung gracefully around her face and sunglasses. "I know you don't know me, but I knew Kate. She talked about you a lot."

Ben felt his stomach twist. "She did? What did she say about me?"

"She said you were kind, and sweet. A good friend. She cared about you a lot." April said, digging around in her purse. "She asked me to give you this, when the time was right." She held out an envelope towards him. "She said I'd know when."

Ben took the envelope from her and turned it over. "Do..." he took a deep breath, "do you know what happened that night?"

April shook her head. "I don't think anyone does."

Ben looked at the envelope as his hands began to shake.

He let go.

His body began to shake as he gasped for air in between sobs. He could feel his heart breaking all over again. His stomach wrenched and he felt like vomiting. "I'm sorry," he said, covering his eyes.

April rubbed her hand against his back. "It's not your fault. She felt so alone for so long. She was tired. Of everything. She knew you cared about her. But sometimes, people like her need more than that. They need a lot of love and attention. And sadly, that's not something that's easily given. Maybe that's why she loved so much. She used up all her love on other people, that she didn't have enough left for herself. Now, she doesn't have to feel that way anymore."

Ben took several deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down. "She never gave me the chance."