Tell No One I Loved Them

2

It'd been 3 days since the funeral, and Ben hadn't left the house since. He knew there were others he needed to support, but he couldn't bring himself to look anyone else who loved Kate in the eye.

He stared at the window as sunlight leaked in through the cracks in the blinds. He was laying in bed, and if he had a choice, he'd never get up. His phone rang again, the familiar chime echoing through the apartment.

He answered it without looking at the caller ID. "Hello?"

"Ben? Is that you?"

"Oh. Hi, Mrs. Howard."

"Ben, I know that you probably have a lot going on, but I just thought we'd let you know that we'll be going through Kate's things soon. If you want to you can join us. We'd love the company."

Ben stayed quiet. What was he supposed to say? 'Yes, I'd love to go through my dead best friends things. Would you like me to set up a garage sale, too?' He rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to answer, but before he could Mrs. Howard continued, "Actually...we need it." There was something in her voice that sounded almost regretful.

Ben sighed and answered her, "I can meet you at her apartment in an hour. Do you have a key? Kate gave me one if you don't."

"Yeah, that will work. Thank you, Ben. See you in a bit."

Ben hung up the phone and rolled out of bed. Clothes littered the floor along with empty beer bottles. He hadn't bothered to try to clean up. He kicked at the piles and bottles as he shuffled to the bathroom. The least he could do was shower.

The beads of water beat against his face as he stood in the steaming shower. 'I'm going over the her home. And she won't be there. She won't ever be there again...' Ben could felt the air leave his lungs, as if someone had hit him with a bat across his abdomen. He screamed in anger, and cried in pain.

"Ugh, how long does it take you to shower?" Her voice was whiny and sarcastic as she knocked on the door for a third time.

He laughed to himself. He had left the water on to make it seem like he was still showering when really he had been dressed for the past 10 minutes. "Hey, I need the thorough cleaning. You don't know who we'll run into today! I might even see my wife." He smiled slightly at the word 'wife'. He knew who he wanted it to be, but he wasn't sure if he could ever tell her.

"Please, like you'd actually have the strength to talk to her."

"Hey, you're the reason I don't have a girlfriend."

"Me?! Okay, get out of the shower so I can kick you over a few times."

"I might just stay here for awhile."

"Fine, have it your way. I'll just go call my other best friend. Maybe they'll go to lunch with me!"

Ben turned off the shower and opened the door. Kate tackled him when he stepped out. "You little twerp!" She yelled as she started smacking his arm.

Ben laughed harder every time she hit him, "I couldn't help it!"

"Ugh," she walked away in mock disgust, a hug grin spreading on her face. "C'mon, we're going to be late."

"For what? It's just us, it's not going to matter if we're late." Kate bit her lip, her eyes sparkled. Ben had seen that look before. He felt his heart fall a little bit. "You met someone didn't you?"

She nodded, "We're meeting him for lunch."

Ben sunk to the bottom of the tub, curling up as the memory faded and he was left alone with his cries echoing back to him. Eventually he pushed himself up and finished washing up before stepping out and drying off.

He wrapped his towel around his midsection and stumbled to the sink where he brushed his teeth and stared at his reflection for awhile. He never thought of himself as unfortunate looking, sure he wasn't model material but he was attractive enough. His blonde hair almost always looked messy despite the amount of product he put in it, and he had dark blue eyes that Kate said helped him look more attractive. He was on the leaner side of the spectrum, as muscles weren't prominent on his torso or biceps. As much as he wished he had a six-pack and broad shoulders, he knew it wasn't in the cards for him.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He wondered if it would ever stop hurting.

***

Ben arrived at Kate's apartment at 2:13 and sat in his car for awhile. Her family hadn't gotten there yet, and he wasn't sure he could do this alone. His stomach twisted thinking about going through her things. Her journals, her papers, her clothes, everything.

He gripped the steering wheel, as he stared at the door to the apartment, willing it to open and Kate to step out. But the longer he watched the more he realized he'd never see her come out of that door ever again.

A red minivan pulled up beside side him, and Mr. and Mrs. Howard stepped out along with Tommy. They both gave a halfhearted wave in his direction. Ben took a deep breath and got out of the car. They all greeted each other with a hug, except for Tommy who walked around with earphones in all the time now.

They all walked towards the door to the apartment in silence. Ben pulled his key out and opened the door with shaking hands. The smell of vanilla and cinnamon wafted throughout the apartment. Ben took in the smell, remembering how much she had loved to bake.

Everyone filed into the living room, looking around as if they were looking for something specific. Mrs. Howard broke down crying as she slunk into the couch. "I don't know where to start," she admitted, her voice quivering.

"I guess....I guess we can each take a room and just put her things in boxes for you to go through later?" Ben suggested. Her family nodded before staring blankly at the ground. "I'll start in her office."

Ben walked past the kitchen into the office/studio where Kate had her desk and bookshelves filled with books of all sorts and snow globes. He looked around for a moment before sitting at her desk chair. He turned back and forth for awhile, rubbing his forehead. Finally, he reached forward and opened the middle drawer.

Pens, USB drives, SD cards, and a crafting knife. Nothing too exciting. He turned a little and opened the top right drawer.

White envelope's sat in a neat pile. Just like the one April had given him at the funeral. Only these had Kate's handwriting scrawled on each envelope. The first one made Ben's heart drop.

When You're Cleaning Out My Apartment