Tell No One I Loved Them

5

Ben slumped against the couch in his living room, a beer bottle hanging loosely between his thighs. A cardboard box sat before him on his coffee table, filled with notebooks. Kate's notebooks. He'd sat the box next to his letter he had received from April at the funeral, still untouched.

He couldn't bring himself to read the letter. At least not yet. It wasn't something he felt ready for. Despite April telling him it was for him when the time was right. To him, he felt like the time would never be right to read the words she'd penned ahead of time. Maybe...maybe she did know.

Ben shook his thoughts away as he tilted the bottle to his lips, draining it of its contents. He sighed, setting the empty bottle on the floor as he tugged the box towards himself, his fingers trembling in dreaded anticipation. Minutes passed. Silence engulfed the room. It was as if time itself had stopped and the only thing to dispute that was the ticking of the watch Ben wore that seemed to echo throughout the apartment.

His breathing became heavy, growing louder and louder as his hands protested against him. Closing his eyes, he took a breath, and held it for a moment.

"Why are you doing that?" Ben stared in bewilderment at the brunette before him. Her cheeks were puffed out and her nose was scrunched, puckering out her lips in a comical, unflattering way.

She opened one eye at him with great effort. Releasing the breath, color seemed to flush back to her face. "It's....just...something I do....it helps me keep...in touch with reality." She took a moment to regain her breath before continuing to explain. "Sometimes, I get really anxious about things. When I do it's usually because I'm trying to take things too quickly and I don't allow myself time to regain my composure. So when I start to panic, I take a moment and hold my breath." She glanced up at her friend as her fingers continued to dance with the condensation on her glass. He stared blankly at her before crossing his arms. "I know it sounds stupid, but it works for me. At least...sometimes it does. Other times I have to find...alternative methods to release my anxiety."

He nodded at her comment as his eyes watched her finger tips as they swirled around the cup. "Well, if you ever need to talk to someone when you're feeling anxious, I'm always around. I can get you out of your head for a bit. Or I can send you some cheesy puns." Ben grinned at Kate as he fidgeted delightfully in his metal chair that rocked back and forth against the uneven sidewalk.

Kate gave him a small smile before her eyes trailed down to her fingers, before leaning back in her chairs and looking towards the road. Ben watched her expression, trying to see what she was thinking. Her face, though, was unreadable. Her eyes held no emotion to them, and her lips still seemed in their naturally pouty state that always made her look pouty. But there was a degree of sadness, maybe even concern, in her body language.

"You okay?" He asked, leaning forward. She glanced toward him with a small smile and nodded. "You sure?"

She gave an exasperated laugh. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired." She looked down again at her glass. He noticed the look in her eyes. They seemed...sad. But he didn't dare press the matter further. "I haven't been sleeping well lately, but I think it's because it gets too hot in my apartment." She stuck her tongue out in an exasperated manner, as if she were a dog.

Ben laughed. "Well that's what you get for not running your AC!"

Kate glared at him. "I'm saving money up you dork! The cheapest way is to not run your air. Saves a crap ton of money in the summer. Trust me. Plus, if I die, think of all the money I'll have saved away just for you!" She laughed. Ben chuckled at her antics. Something didn't feel right to him about her comment, but he didn't press her anymore.

Ben let out his breath, gasping for air as he tried to regain his composure. The memories never ceased, nor were they any less vivid. It was a feeling he never expected to have, the loss of his best friend and not understanding why or how. He pulled the box towards the edge of the coffee table before reaching inside and pulling out the notebooks. Leather bound, or cheap spirals, or composition, or the hard cover ones, she had so many. He sat them on the coffee table as he pulled each one out. Setting the box aside, he pulled out one of the spirals. Bold letters lined the bottom, Wide Ruled. He chuckled. She hated wide ruled notebooks.

Ben flipped the notebook open. Inside were scribbles. Wedding dress sketches, cartoons, comics, all done in green or pink crayon. They were her drawings from when she was little, no older than 9. A sad smile curved its way onto his lips. She was just a baby when she started these ventures. He flipped through the pages more and found one that caught his eye. It was a stick figure drawing of a girl. She had a ponytail and a dress on, and she was crying. On the far side of the page was 3 more stick figures. A lady who was taller than the crying girl, a man who was taller than the other two, and a boy. They were huddled together, hearts around their heads.

"Oh, Kate..." Ben knew. He knew what the drawing was. Kate always found a way to draw her feelings, ever since she was young. And this was how she felt. Her mother, her father, and James, were a family. But she felt like the outcast. Left out. Alone. Ben pushed the drawing aside. Did she always feel that way? Did...James have something to do with this?

Ben pushed himself off the couch and strode to the kitchen. He turned on the coffee pot, knowing that tonight would be a long night. Restless. Anxious. Even painful. But he had to do it. Any answer would be better than none. When the coffee finished brewing, he poured himself a cup, poured an uncomfortable amount of sugar and cream in it, and went back to the couch. He grabbed up one of the leather bound notebooks and flipped to the first page.

March 12, 2012

I'm not sure how to start this...