Misadventures of Life

Teddy Roosevelt

Now I'm in dual credit history, and we're learning about the 18 and 1900's. and you wanna know who falls into that time period?
Teddy Mother Fucking Roosevelt.
You see, there's a lot of things about Teddy Roosevelt that few understand, and this bothers me. So allow me to educate you on one of the most badass presidents we've ever had.
First off, Teddy Roosevelt is not human. He is a quantum fourth dimensional being. His physical form is the only way our mortal minds can perceive his greatness.
Teddy Roosevelt first became president when the president before him was assassinated like the scrub lord he was. Since Teddy was Vice President he got to be next in power. Most assume the original president died during assassination. What actually happened was Teddy was thinking very hard whilst staring at the president. This established a telepathic link. Unable to contain or understand such massive amounts of information Teddy accidentally fried the President's brain.
During the Spanish-American War, it is said Teddy Roosevelt made the Rough Riders. This is incorrect. Teddy Roosevelt was the Rough Riders. He was a literal one man army. He could liquefy people with his intense stares and melt their organs with a twitch of his perfect mustache. All the pictures taken with other people related to Rough Riders? Those are all actors. America didn't want the world to know about its secret weapon, so they tried to make it look like the work of a thousands platoons wasn't caused by one man.
Teddy Roosevelt became a cowboy once, but this was not by choice. He just decided to take advantage of his ability to whistle and summon horses straight from the ground.
Teddy Roosevelt was once shot before trying to give a speech. The only thing stopping the bullet from entering his heart was the speech in his breast pocket. He gave the speech anyways, bleeding from his chest. The doctor was trying to pull him offstage but eventually just started operating on him during his presentation.
But see, Teddy Roosevelt cannot be harmed. His body is made of pure stem cells. He merely allowed his body to be harmed to woo the crowd.
All medical records of Teddy Roosevelt have been hidden away, because each time he was cut open to be operated on, they just found a smaller Teddy Roosevelt inside of him. Not a baby, just a smaller version of his adult self, monocle included. Not clothes though. The monocle is part of his being.
His clothes have a special slit so that the chain of his monocle that is attached to his hip can easily be hidden without hassle.
Teddy Roosevelt came up with the phrase "Speak softly but carry a big stick." This became known as the Big Stick policy regarding foreign affairs. In reality, this was his answer when asked how large his manhood was.
He was never asked again.
It is said Teddy Roosevelt died in his sleep. His Vice President stated that should Teddy have been awake, there would have been a fight. This is partly true. Teddy would in fact have gone hand to hand with the grim reaper himself, since they have a bet over Teddy's soul on a friendly wager that Death keeps losing. What's false is that Teddy Roosevelt never died. He lives up in the Rockies. Wind is caused by his heavy sighs.
The name Teddy and thus Teddy bears is when Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a tied up bear, declaring it unsportsmanlike. In reality, Teddy had a deep understanding of the metaphysical and spiritual realm, having come from there himself. He knew this to be a test of the gods, and was thus granted the strength of ten thousand bears, enough to rip the world in two numerous times over, for he who can resist displaying his power, is most trusted with it.
This is the few known facts of the being known as Teddy Roosevelt that we are allowed to share. If anyone else has knowledge of this creature, please, enlighten those around you.
Wield your words quiet but hit hard, like Teddy Roosevelt and his big stick.