The Druggie & The French guy

NOT A SMITH

(I felt the song is fits Thomas because of the whole "when I'm gone and you've gone somewhere, just remember me" type feeling which basically how Thomas feels when it comes to students.)

Thomas's PoV

Do not think I am selfish or ungrateful because I am not, I do in fact appreciate those around me and as a teacher, put my student's safety and life before my own but I still do want my time to reflect on my own problems and concerns, this doesn't even seem possible at times. Sometimes I just want to lay down and think but I clearly can't do this. When it comes to students, work and friends I just can't catch up with it all. I feel as if it is my job to ignore my own emotions in order to keep others in check. My job is to make sure that my students are alright but how am I supposed to do that when I am not okay myself? I always tell those around me that my life is great and I don't have anything to worry about, but I do. I am not stable enough to keep another person in check. It's just not possible and I was not meant to be a teacher.

Is it so wrong of me to feel this way? I love my students, I really do, but they prevent me from getting the things I need. I constantly want to ask for a break, anytime that I can just catch up on sleep. I can't keep living off caffeine and carbs. I am so tired and honestly need all the rest I can get, five minutes of rest honestly seems like a paradise now. Dear god, either way I just can't seem to win. Jeff, needing my approval and attention, and Clint never listening to a word I say and not considering his future.

I'm not stable and I never will be, no one seems to understand that. I don't want people to pity me nor do I want to be told to "man up". I tell my students they are irrational when they say they still want to kill themselves or can't control their emotions but to be fair, I don't think they are. Saying that I am unhappy would not be a good influence on them and I don't think they will ever be aware for their own good. I never like seeing a person unhappy, and I never will. It seems to spread to me every time. I had always been told by my father that pain is a part of life and that all I can do is act like it doesn't exist but I never felt like this was a good way of handling it. Looking back in time from when I was younger, my father didn't seem like he was doing so well either, sometimes he'd get home and lock himself into his room, if you listened closely you could hear faint sobs.

I feel that Borderline Personality disorder may have been the issue. However, I was born in 1805, this was simply just seen as his personality at the time. He's gone now of course and to be completely honest, I'm not sad about it, he didn't care about me so why should I care about him?

I am not his son, he is not my father, I am not a Smith

A/N-  Sarahthehill a chapter in Thomas's PoV, woo! I didn't end up making it very long because I wanted it just to be how Thomas's feels and the thoughts he experiences and yeah.

A/N: Lol I'm a total control freak. To accompany my little pov chapter Sarah wrote herself one yeah her A/n sums this up well so.. Yay! Ttyl (Also, this came out like... really fast.. Damn XDD)