Thoughts of a Girl

February 15th, 2017

Well to say that today was weird is an understatement. It started off ok, like any other random Tuesday. School, swimming, friends, lunch. Basic high school shit. After school is when it got weird. My sister and I were at our local teahouse with a girl empowerment group I'm loosely a part of called Girls for a Change. We were there to talk to the owner and learn her story about how she and her husband opened up the store. Beforehand we were all in line getting tea and one of the younger girls in my group just so happened to be a friend of my sisters. Another girl said we looked a lot alike, which we get a lot from people. But my sister's friend said we looked nothing alike, which we also get a lot. So they kept going back and forth and my sister was getting all the praise and I was getting none. I really shouldn't care about this kind of stuff but I do in some stupid, vain, way. This isn't a new thing. She's always been the one that was more intelligent, more relaxed, more friendly, more attractive. Just, more. I've talked to my mom about it before, looking for support and maybe an ego boost but all I get is the, "You are completely different people and you shouldn't compare yourself" speech. And the funny thing is, it didn't emotionally affect me until about 10 minutes ago while I was in the shower. It just hit me like a tidal wave. I can't even focus on any of my homework now, even math, which is something I actually like and am good at. I just feel empty and kind of hopeless. My sister has always outshone me in a lot of things. In sports, in school, in social environments. in pretty much everything. Probably the worst thing in all of this is that she is younger than me. Isn't it supposed to be the eldest that excels in everything? I just feel really backward and I don't know what to do. I would go talk to my friends but I don't have many and the ones I do have, have their own problems and it would be a shitty thing to unload everything onto them. Also, they would give me fake reassurance because they are my friends and they think they have to. But we are allowed to have our sad days. It just feels like I have more days where I wake up crying then days where I feel like nothing in the world can hurt me.