Anime random weirdness

Rant: Something

I just read a line in a book which said something that triggered me really badly. I needed to write this. Going to delete this later......

"I feel your pain...... let it all out," (crush name) said while hugging me.

Ok, I need to rant so skip this
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How can you understand me, eh? I've been almost alone my whole life. You were the one who helped me make more friends. Then, after that year past, you acted like you never met me. Heck, you even bullied me until you were called to the principal since a teacher saw you bullying me.

I'm tired of your **** Ren. (My nickname for him). I don't curse a lot but I can't handle my anger anymore.

And what do you do? You accidentally threw a basketball at me, accidentally slip soup on me, accidentally threw pencil that almost hit me.

But even so, WHY DO I STILL LIKE YOU?!

Someone, just tell me why?! People say that love and hate almost the same and we may mistake them for each other, but why do I feel like that's false.

If you're reading this Ren, I just want to say you **** up a lot of my things and I want you to reflect. If you don't, don't even try to befriend me again.

That fake smile you gave me that day? You think I didn't know it was fake? I even asked you to meet me after school at that park and stood me up. I waited there for 30 minutes and you didn't show about. What did you do the next day? Pretend like you didn't remember. 

All I can say Ren, is that you're a jerk, bully, liar and bad actor.

BUT WHY DO I STILL LIKE YOU?!

Because of you, my life was horrible when I was 11. Because of you I had to feel this complicated feeling.

I feel so messed up.

Someone...... save me......

This life is horrible.......

My fake smiles are piling up.... I can't keep doing that.......

My lies are getting heavier....... I don't want to say more to increase the weight but it's like breathing to me now.....

My every "it's ok!" is fake.

I only can show my true personality online

I don't even know if I can call it a ‘true’ personality too.....

What's the ‘truth’ is reality now? Does the ‘truth’ really mean more than a ‘lie’? Does a ‘lie’ really hurt more than the ‘truth’?

I don't know anymore.....

My thoughts are messed up.....

I need to clear my thoughts. See everyone next time.......

「Can you even read the blackboard written clear as can be?
Can you even see that kid? See his lost fantasy?
Can you find out the one who dyed this red heart to black?

Hey who could it be?
IT'S NOT LIKE I CARE NOW」