Dear diary, hey i am diana

2/1/14

dear diary,

    i just don't know what to do i want to die i want to curl up and die...... i just cant take all of this 

    i keep asking my self the same question "why cant anyone love me, or even like me?'

see so last night i was talking to chase because he finally texted me back after he got off work....

 see this is going to be hard for me to say....

ok so we were texting (below are texts):

me: "im sorry for telling you that i liked you last night, i made things awkward"

him: " im sorry i dint text back i just didn't know what to say" 

( the night before when i told him i liked him he didn't text me back)

me: " its ok, i understand that you dont like me, i just dont want to make things awkward."

him: its ok, can i tell you something but can you keep it on the down low?"

me: "yeah, sure"

 ( the next texted i mite not get all the words right because i deleted it soon after i got it)

him: " I'm sorry i dont like you its not you ( your really beautiful and nice) its just the same reason that i dont like girls at all, i like guys..."

when i got that my heart fell not because his is gay well yeah kind of but i dont have anything agenst gays, its just that im in so much pain i cant wrap my head around it he is the last guy that you would think is gay he looks nothing like he is, he is so manly....

1st quote for today

 "dont judge a book by its cover"

well i am really depressed right now because i felt like he liked me but i guess i was so wrong i feel so stupid but what hurts the most is that after having sex the first time with LB and having my miscarriage  ( if you dont know what im talking about he is in "my diana story"  so if you havent read it then you mite need to so you can understand what im about to talk about) so i havent been able to really like a guy since all that happened but chase was the first guy i really like he would make me smile when i would walk into class and see him, and when he would talk to me he would always make me laugh, so what really bother's me about all of this is i am so stupid for liking someone so much after what happened to me.... and when chase told me he was gay i went into the bathroom and started to cry and leaned against the door and slide down it and put my head on my knees and cried for like 20 minutes then i had to wash my face so if my mom asked what was wrong i could just say i got soap in my eyes...

i really want to still be friends with chase but when i was still talking to him last night after he told me all that i just keep feeling so weird, and think about how i am probably just a joke to me i bet he tells people " haha shes just another girl likes me and shes so annoying like did she really think i was into her" 

im scared for what its going to be like Monday at school i really don't even want to see him... i shouldn't even think like this its not his fault that i like him..... whats going to be weird is that i would talk to him to my friends and now i have to come up with a lie to why im not talking about him and why i dont like him anymore. i can not tell people he is gay that is he secrete and not mine well i just dont know what to do....

i just dont know what to do anymore i feel so alone my mother dosnt seem to notice that i am depressed come on can i make it anymore noticeable   for crying out load all i have been doing all day is read and listen to music.

 i just have no clue what to do if any of you guys have any questions you can inbox me and i will answer them in my next diary entery and i will leave your name out if you want to.....

"if i go crazy then will you still call me superman, if im alive and well will you be there holding my hand" - kryptonite 3 doors down 

                                               ~love diana (K.L)