ny • la // e.d.

09/10

NY - 12:45pm - ethan

It is a cold October day, these days were your favourite.

I used to wrap you in my sweater and talk to you about anything and everything.

Much like I am doing now.

I tell you about my life and what I've been doing lately. I tell you about my therapy and read you my journal.

You don't respond to anything I say but I know you can't.

I wish I could tell you that you're the only one that was ever special to me and the only one I will truly ever love.

I wish I could see your face light up as I tell you Grayson and I finally hit 3 million subscribers and that we finished our first world tour.

I wish I could tell you that I didn't want to go to LA but it was my only choice.

I wish I would've told you that my father was sick and the only treatment that could save him was in LA which is why I had to leave you.

I don't know why I left that part of my life a secret.

I don't have a reason or an explanation.

Maybe it was because you were going through so much at home I didn't want to put any more stress on you.

I don't know why the world is such a cruel place and why sometimes you're never able to be with your soulmate.

I don't know why people drive drunk and I don't know why I'm sitting beside you, getting drunk, trying to void my memories.

Ironic isn't it?

I'm sitting beside the love of my life, my soulmate, getting drunk.

- E

•••

Ethan's POV

I rip the page out of my journal and place it beside her; along with a single pot marigold flower. Pot marigold flowers were her favourite. Not only because of the beautiful colour but because it was her birth flower.

My thoughts stop from the cold breeze dancing along my skin. Coloured leaves fall off of the surrounding trees onto the ground around me. She used to love the colours during fall, the reds, oranges, browns everything about it.

She could go on and on about her love for fall. She used to tell me all the time how it was her favourite season and that she liked it "before it became basic".

I never liked fall but I grew to love it the more she spoke about it to me.

Now my relationship with fall is love-hate. It reminds me of the good memories we had and how my sweaters always floated on her cold body. But, it also reminds me of the worst day of my life.

I stand up from the cold harsh ground, wiping the dirt off of my jeans.

I look down to the ground and see leaves covering her tombstone.

In loving memory of Luna G. Aylin
10/06/1999 - 10/07/2017

I move them to the side knowing she loves them but also not wanting it to cover her.

I regain my drunk composure and grab my journal. I say my journal but it's really Luna's. The day she died - 2 years ago - her mother found her journal and gave it to me.

Her journal was the one thing she loved the most. I always hated how she would be constantly writing it in instead of living in the present. I soon came to realize she wanted to document all of her memories. She was living so much in the present, that it overwhelmed her. It was a way for her to escape her reality, much like what I do with it now.

I never thought I would be one to journal but she continues to make me a better person to this day.

The journal fell out of my hand onto her tombstone and out falls a small folded up piece of paper. I've been through this journal over a thousand times and I've never seen a piece of paper in it.

I unfold the paper and written in her handwriting it says:

The scariest thing about life is not knowing what will happen tomorrow, or in a week, a year, a decade.

I could die tomorrow, or I could live to see 100. I could hop on a plane and confess my love to my soulmate who is just a plane ride away but instead I sit here writing this.

I could run a marathon - okay maybe not a marathon but I could go for a run. I could do whatever I want. The world is at my fingertips, yet I am terrified. I am scared of the world. I have had so many things go wrong in my life that I am scared to live.

Whether I die tomorrow or in 80 years please know that I love you, Ethan. Yes, I know you got this journal because I told my mom to give it to you if anything ever happened to me.

I guess it sucks that you're reading this because that means I died. But, please know I am fine and that I'm not worried about myself - but you.

Please don't quit making people smile. Don't stop living your life just because I'm gone. I will be watching from wherever I am and just know I will be smiling. But also know if you do something stupid I will haunt the shit out of you.

I love you, I always have, I always will.

Until we meet again,
Luna

P.S. 2800 miles away - NY • LA