~Valerie~
Friday... 7:40am
I could swear I was a millisecond away from smashing my alarm against the wall. Then again that would mean losing my only source of connection to the world at the moment given my phone was my alarm. I laid on my bed deciding I would just let my alarm keep going off.
"Why?..." I still couldn't assimilate the events of Tuesday night. Ever have something so shocking happen that feels your having an out of body experience somehow watching your life as if in a movie theater. I don't know how to feel, what to do or even how to act. Its currently 7:50am and here I am laying in my twin sized bed under my grey bed sheet looking at my white celling. My dark violet and white blankets kicked to the end of my bed dropping onto the carpet. Somehow I managed to kick down my blankets but my quilt cover was still over my body. I can hear footsteps nearing my bedroom door.
"Valerie...Val I know your up could you turn off your..." I heard his voice crack, I could clearly picture him mustering all the courage he had to not brake down like he had throughout these few days since Tuesday night. I heard him clear his throat, I know him I know he fisted his hands in order to concentrate on the pain in his hands to stop himself from crying he's done that since we were kids. "Val... your alarm...please" I can't even face him . I don't want to know what he is thinking about me I hadn't even shed a tear since it happened maybe it was just to hard to believe my brain couldn't accumulate the reality of the situation, this is actually happening. "...please open the door I have barely seen you these past two days...I know you are hurting too" he went silent when I turned off my alarm. There was silence for a good two minutes not one of us daring to speak. I guess we just ran out of things to say. An awkward silence settling around us, its not a complete stranger outside my door it's my brother but now the balance is knocked out of place.
"AJ..." I heard him reach for the door knob only to face the fact that my door was once again locked. I never used to lock the door to my room but after Tuesday I just wanted to shut everything out until they came back. I knew that would mean permanently shutting the world out because as much as I denied it they would never walk through that door again.
"Val please...please open the door."
"I...Do you..." I swallowed the lump that suddenly surged in my throat. "Do you think I'm horrible because I haven't even cried? I... I just." Once again at lose of words still in my bed because it offered me a comfort I didn't dare let go of yet, not quite yet. Not a second went by before AJ spoke up.
"Val please just open the door... I'm hurting too and..." Once again his voice broke. These past two days I had refused to leave my room since we got back from the hospital early Wednesday morning. I had seen him crying when my dad passed in the emergency room as the doctors tried their best to keep him alive. Mom had died in the way to the hospital. Then I had been lost in my own thoughts, chaos and commotion to even go near him as he cried gripping his knees tight to his chest on the emergency room floor. I know these past two days he cried but he made sure I wouldn't hear him, trying to be strong for the both of us or well thats what he thought at least. But every night he cried himself to sleep I heard and every time something brought their memory back he'd brake down only to immediately try to compose himself, surely to the thought of me, I heard. I just never knew what to say and now there he was outside my door finally letting the tears and everything he'd been holding back on, out fully aware of my knowledge of this. And so without think I just let my emotions, that I was't aware I had been suppressing all this time, out and I ran to my door unlocking it springing it wide open.
"A-" his tears rolling down his checks he turn his head when he noticed my presence, the door no longer standing between us.
"Val" he said cutting me off. I grabbed him by his arm pulling him into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his torso tightly and heard him sob lightly. All this time i had pushed him away putting us both through more pain. Endlessly I fought to find what I kept yearning when it was this, his embrace finally.
"They really are gone aren't they. We are alone now. We really won't..." and at that moment I finally broke crying uncontrollably in my brothers chest. He automatically hugged me back rubbing my back soothingly as he cried into my shoulder as well. I could smell his cologne surfacing from his white t-shirt.
"They are gone. We only have each other now... I won't leave you alone sis no worries but..." I cut him off before he could continue.
"Shhh, I know what we have to do today... but,... I just" My voice cracked as I tried speaking without sounding so out of breath from all the crying and agitated from the realization. "I want to stay like this a little longer." I was afraid to let go, fearing he might just vanish too if I let go and then defiantly be alone. The pain felt unbearable for the past days the pressure on my chest not once faltering but in this moment it became the slightest bit more tolerable.
"Okay." There we we stood under my door frame. Two siblings crying in each others arms consoling each other after the sudden lose of their parents. Nothing else mattering in the moment except each other. Not caring that in a matter of hours both would have to leave the small security the home gave them to face family relatives and witness the funeral for their parents.
3:23 pm
There was a knock at the door I heard AJ rush down stairs to get the door not before stopping outside my room and glancing at me sitting on my bed in my black knee length dress and black converse on. A small reassuring smile found its way onto his lips and I smiled in return. He had black slacks and a black button up shirt dad had given him for his birthday four months ago. He hated dress shoes so he didn't own any but I recognized the ones he was wearing they were dad's. Without my realization a tear left my right eye cascading down my check then dripping from my jaw to my left hand that was crossed over my abdomen holding onto my right arm laying limp on my lap.
Something changed since the hug I shared with AJ. I knew why I had been so reluctant to facing him since we got back from the hospital. I knew the moment I faced AJ It would finally dawn upon me that my parent were really dead and that no matter how many times a would wake up they would never again walk through the door and come to me. No more family days or any form of making memories because now, that was all I had left memories. When I closed my eyes I could hear my mom whistling as she cooked and my dads laugh booming through the house. I wasn't ready to let them go yet thats why I had avoid AJ as long as possible because I wasn't ready to assimilate they were gone.
"Hello AJ... How are you holding up? Where's your sister? Are you two ready to head out?" I felt my whole body tense at his voice. All the hairs on my body stuck up and an underlying fear crept all over my body. I was so confused. A small glimpse of memories rushed to my head in one blow practically knocking the air out of me.
"She... She's upstairs in her room... Waiting" AJ seemed a little distressed but that wouldn't make sense he didn't know what he had done. It slipped by knowing he was processing the fact we would be on our way to my parents funeral in only a couple of minutes.
"Its been years since I've seen you. You and Valerie were only kids last time I saw you. These are not the circumstances under which I was expecting our reunion." Hearing him say my name made me shake in disgust. The anger that fueled within me now raged all over my body replacing the fear from earlier.
"After all these years you come back and pretend as if you did nothing. The nerve you have showing up here after what you did. My parents would have killed you if they knew what you did. Not to mention AJ would have ended you the minute he opened to door to face you if... if only he knew. Your such a hypocrite acting as if you actually cared. Your a part of the past couldn't you stay there." I whispered all of this to myself knowing all to well I couldn't actually say it to him. I heard footsteps coming towards my room.
"You ready to go... Its time now Val." I nodded and headed out my room after AJ taking a long extended breath.
YOU ARE READING
My name is... Valerie
Ficção Adolescente"My name is... Valerie" is the story of Val. The story of how one afternoon, one decision and one action marked her for the rest of her life. The story of a girl who is broken and can't see a solution. The reasons for why live and continue fighting...
