I saw this boy at a concert one time. And every time I went back to that venue, I looked for his face. I guess, I liked it? Little did I know, the role he would later play in my life. I'm not going to go down to the details exactly.. well some details, but not some of the bigger details.
I fell in love with him to be blunt. I fall in love so easily.. I figured I'd come right out and say it. I would hangout with him here and there with my then boyfriend but mainly see him at shows. I wasn't myself around him and I didn't know why..
How did he make me feel like that, without even saying a word. It was like my eyes meeting his was enough to melt my soul.
Well, it's crazy really, all of this.. And it's crazy really, how differently everything could be if I had made different decisions or if I had knew better.
When I had my chance at this man.. I thought I could handle him. I thought I could let him love me the way he wanted to and give him everything he wanted in return. I thought he could fix me somehow, make me feel better than I was. So I let him try...
But I was not ready for him. I had no business giving him a part of my heart that belonged to someone else.. And I guess I can't say "belonged", because it has always belonged to me, but I had not entirely detached myself from the boy I thought I knew. And so before he fell for me harder than I had already let him.. I let him go. I figured it would be easier to come out about my true feelings before digging a deeper hole.
I think I broke his heart, oh god. I swear, I had no intention to... do we ever though? My heart aches when I see his name sometimes. But when I'm around him... when I'm around him I feel like I should reach out and grab his hand.. but I can't. I feel like I should grab his cheeks and kiss his lips, but I can't. I feel like when I hug him I shouldn't let him go, but I have to. It's weird to me, that I have always, and still feel this way around him..
He's gold. He's fucking gold. I know a golden person when I see one and he is just that. He was always the sweetest during our time together. He was always showing me something new and those experiences were some of the best that I've ever had. He always used to take me to this park across the street and we'd lay on a blanket by this pine tree and watch the stars. This will always be one of my favorite memories. He was... so good to me.
He was a stepping stone in learning how I should let people treat me. He opened my mind to bigger truths.
Also, I learned that you can't ever think someone is going to fix you. The power to be fixed is inside of you and only you. If you have the will to get better, you will get better.
