I wanted nothing more than to escape the mental and emotional prison I was in... so I clung to the first person who would let me. It was easy too. We exchanged sweet words and I felt great.. it was working. You know the feelings you get when you're talking to someone new and they tell you all the things you want to hear? Yeah, that's what I was feeling. I felt like I was fixing myself??
Or so I thought. It wasn't but 5 days in to this "relationship" where we both thought we were head over heals for each other that I realized... I don't even like this person in this way. This is weird.. Don't touch me.
For the short period of time together... I thought I was free. I thought I could keep moving forward and never look back on what I was trying to leave behind.
But I had to.. I had to go back. I believed that was where I belonged and at the time.. I thought my heart would never find another home.
I think I broke this boy too. And for awhile all I ever thought about was how heart broken I was all my life.. then I started thinking about the hearts I have broken. I remembered the look on this boy's face when I told him I couldn't do it.. and although I had made him ecstatically happy at one point, I tore it all away within seconds.
I almost had no regret. I cried twice over this event and I think I put it in the back of mind to forget about.
Sometimes it's hard to think about the bad things you did to good people.
My intentions are never poor.. But sometimes the turns I have to take make it out to seem that way.
I only want you to know that I was broken.. I had no right to play with your feelings because I couldn't understand my own, and I hope you forgive me.
