Big book of stuff, my vent book

My relationship with my family

Is it bad that i sincerely hope my parents see what I'm trying to type out right now? In fact, if they caught me right now, i would e in huge trouble. I don't even know if i should be typing this right now, as its 12:47 AM, and they "expect" me to be asleep, so if they catch me, i'm in trouble.

Well because this is watt pad, and I don't have to worry about word limits, here it comes.

The last time, i really remember a "fun" time with my family, is when my sister was home, and even then it wasn't so good. Even though my sister was home from college, i expected my parents to be happy. That didn't happen. There still was a lot of arguments. When we had a vacation away to Mexico, I expected things to go uphill from there. (Keep in mind, this was the beginning of December) Things didn't really, even though we were on "vacation", my family kept arguing, and that didn't help my mood. So from that point on, it gets very fuzzy. I think i drowned all of it playing CS:GO and talking to friends, both in real life and over the internet. Basically, I spent my days avoiding my family. They still got pissed. After one of my concerts, I wanted to relax and play some CS:GO. I still had time for it, but my dad walks in, and gets pissed off. He didn't even care that I was in a discord call with people, he just walked in, and started yelling at me. After about 30 minutes of this, my sister walked in, and "added" to the conversation very "Helpfully". It ended with me falling sleep in my clothes, depressed. Thats one of the main events i remembered. My dad, can  be described as a huge buzz kill. I went, had fun in the concert, made them "proud", or so i thought. Turns out they weren't, big whoop. I should have expected it, seeing as anything I do, they are not proud of. Even when i ask, they cannot provide a answer, or a time.

Before i go any farther, i should describe my current health, and also my emotions towards my family. My sister, i don't hate, i just resent. She was the "perfect" child. She was smart, good at everything she did. In turn, everything i did was either overshadowed, or compared with her. This made my life a crap ton harder. Everything i did was compared. I brought home a 89% on one of my homeworks, i get yelled at for 10 minutes, and lectured how my "perfect" sister would've gotten a 95+ on everything she did, and didn't have to worry the family. This doesn't necessarily spark hate, however. She was always good to me, and nice. She actually, to me, felt that she understood me, and cared, whenever my dad or mom was yelling at me, she usually sided with me, and helped me through it.

As for my mother, i feel a burning desire to punch her one day. She doesn't make anything better, only worse. She takes everything wrong, and causes a lot of pain for me. Shes the one usually lecturing me for the 89, and comparing. i just downright feel pissed off so much. Shes usually the reason why i loose control. The conversation is over, but in the background you can just hear her yell "USELESS" "NEVER SEEN A CHILD AS DUMB AS THIS ONE" "NO BRAINS" Those are actual quotes.

Lastly, my father. What can I not say? I have mixed feelings about my father, it varies always. Currently, and since 2017 started, it has been nothing but hate. whenever i'm around him, and i get the urge to kill myself when i'm around him. Like when i'm around him he puts out like a, i don't know, a aura, or a field that to me, is just pure sadness, and depression, and it makes me want to just stop living, like i become self-aware of all the ways to kill myself. I notice a balcony here, a knife there, a sink there, fishing wire there. I just don't want to do it anymore when i'm around him. So i just want to say this, i hate him, and i barely feel any love, if any is there, for him.

Anyways, now to the modern parts.

So these days, the hate is even worse. Its gotten to the point where i have no more motivation. Today, i tried to pick up my violin, and play. It didn't work. I played the piece twice, and it was horrible. At that point, i just put my violin down, and sat in bed, read a book, cried some more. That was today, and my idiocy was that i didn't tell the past yet. What happened was, my parents always played the blame game with me, and i always lost. This, in turn, made me protective of myself, and i wanted to stay in a bubble of safety. so i guess thats where it kicked off. Whenever something bad happened, i would immediately get depressed/sad, because every time something happened, they would turn to me, and get mad. It was almost like i was a scapegoat. It honestly got to its worse last weekend, on 2-12-17. We were on our way home from violin, and my dad realized that he left my jacket at the barber shop after i cut my hair. On the ride home, when i asked "where is my  jacket?" he got really pissed off, and looked ready to yell at me. This got me concerned, and protective and scared. This also, in turn got me really mad. I didn't want to allow him to get mad at me again, so i got mad first, I yelled at him how its always my fault, even though i didn't do anything This got to a point, where i was done. Actually, i was done before that, i just forgot about it. Two days before, on 2-10-17, i starved myself. I got home from school, and i wasn't going to deal with my dads garbage that day, so i locked myself in the closet for the next 6 hours. I wanted to starve and just ignore everything that day. Going back to Sunday, or 2-12-17, i went home, and it took every ounce of my strength to control myself for 3 hours. then after that, i couldn't control. I cut myself with the swiss army knife my sister keeps on her bookshelf. Fast forward 5 school days, where i can ignore my parents, and we are here today, i'm depressed, i want to kill someone, or kill myself. I don't want to do anything anymore with my life.

Finished at 2:08 AM