The Beginning of the End

VI.

On the first day of senior year as I sat in homeroom, I realized that I had gone a very, very long time without talking to anybody. I didn't count saying "hi" or "bye" or "thank you" because those are almost necessary for every conversation. 

It wasn't until first-period government that I finally talked. She was a fairly skinny girl, Asian of some sort. Hair in a ponytail, hand constantly playing with a pen, likely for comfort. Pullover sweater with the strings tied into a bow, Vans and a bracelet clamped around her ankle.

She threw me a smile, and it almost overwhelmed me how much her small act of kindness meant to me.

"Oh, I guess we're partners for the rest of the years, right?

But the rest of the day flew by. Second-period, a break, third and fourth, lunch, fifth, sixth, study hall, dismissal. I knew my dad had been wasted.

I would never regain the day most people dubbed as the "Last First Day". I had pretty much wasted it. Waste.

Waste. Probably what I was. Waste. What a funny word.

I pretty much ignored my homework that night. I spent my afternoon plugging my phone into my speaker, the melancholy constantly being interrupted by my ringtone. Occasionally throwing glances, I saw it alternated between Shaun and Jess.

Seven o'clock had rolled around. Moving the speaker to the bathroom, I undressed and turned the shower on. A waterfall gushed into my open palm, and I got in.

R&B soon played. Kehlani. Beyoncé. Chance. You get it.

I stared down at myself. This isolation from everyone and everything was clearly taking a toll on me. The defined abs that had been there merely three months ago were barely there. My muscular legs shrinking to twigs. My fleshy ass was flat. Only my biceps remained intact, and some other parts that I probably shouldn't go into detail.

"Did you realize, that you were a champion?  In their eyes."

The more upbeat tempo compared to other songs drained me of energy and I froze. Not only was it so much more energetic than me, but Shaun immediately came to mind. I let out a cry and slumped against the wall.

There I was, water puddling around me. Arms wrapped around my knees, tears mixing with the shower water.

I knew, then and there, that I was hopeless. 

°°°

The second day wasn't really that bad.

"Oh, what an asshole—er—I mean. Woah. That was mean of her," the Asian girl said to me. I don't remember how or why, but I suddenly charged into the story of Claire and all she had done.

I pulled up my sleeves soon after. What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought soon after. Her eyes widened, and her fingers brushed along the healing wounds.

"Damn," she said. "I think it's mean that you're telling me this and I haven't said shit to you. I'm Florence," she said. "I mean, you really didn't have to tell me this, but—"

"I had to," I said, cutting her off. "At least your friends didn't betray you. Leave you for each other. Leave you as the third wheel as the friend group when you needed them most. God, I'm salty. I honestly... I need to get over it."

Florence bit her cheek. "I mean... I don't even know how to respond," she said as she handed each of us a worksheet with vocabulary terms on it. She grabbed a pen with her left hand and quickly scribbled her name. "You know... If you trust me enough, just let me know about anything you need."