With crying eyes and open arms - Phan

o n e

Stupid.
Unwanted.
Pathetic.
Fat.
Ugly.
Useless.

That's me. I hurt myself on a daily basis because I'm such a terrible person. Nobody wants me. Not even my parents. If they did, they wouldn't have taken their lives.

Why am I so stupid?

***

"Dan get up!" someone yells at me. I look up and see my foster brother standing in front of me. "Go away Billy," I say quietly, rolling back over. "We gotta get up and get ready for school," he says quickly.

I sigh and stand up. I find all the pieces of my uniform and go to the bathroom. I don't want to go to school. My foster parents don't know anything about my school life. They don't even know much about my home life either, if I'm honest.

"Bye," I say as I walk out the door, pulling at my sleeves. "Bye Daniel," Maria says. I wait outside for Billy and he finally appears after 10 minutes. "Finally. Let's go," I say.

We walk side by side, I listen to music whilst Billy rambles on about something. He may be 16 years old, but anyone would think he's 8.

"Ok. We're here. I'll talk to you later," I say as I cut him off from what he was saying. He saunters off to his friends and I go and sit down alone.

I see people forming in their groups of friends. Boys shake hands, girls hug each other. Everybody has a friend in this place.

Except me.

I had one friend. His name was Kyle. He was my best friend. We grew up together. Played in each other's houses. Got into trouble. Then we came to secondary school. We'd get into fights with other kids. We'd get kicked out of classes. Kids hated us. Then one day everything changed. Kyle found a new friend. A kid that was supposedly popular. He said he thought Kyle was cool and that he should hang around with better people than me. So off Kyle went with his new friends.

One day, Kyle approached me. He said I was dirty scum. He said I should just kill myself. He didn't know what was going on in my head. He hadn't been around for a whole year. My mum and dad said they couldn't deal with life anymore. I watched them take their lives. So many emotions ran through me. Then Kyle told me to kill myself. I couldn't bare that my best friend had changed so much. I jumped up. I punched him hard in the face. All of his friends beat me up. I was terrified.

Then I got some news. Kyle was dead. A group of boys had pushed him in front of a moving car. He died instantly.

I cried every night. I wished for my best friend back. But I was completely alone. No one would speak to me and when they did, it was just the bullies.

The worst of them all?

Phil Lester.