Unwanted

Chapter 6

Benjamin let out a heavy sight for the third time in five minutes, gaining him a concerned look from his mother.

"What is it darling? We have very nearly arrived; I would have expected you to be in better spirits"

"I am anxious is all Mama, it has been a very long time since I have seen Tess. This journey is also long and quite fatiguing, I had forgotten it" he replied.

In the cramped quarters of the carriage, Benjamin's tall frame did not fit comfortably, no matter how many different ways he tried to arrange himself. His long legs were currently stretched out so that his feet were under the bench opposite him, but even this he found uncomfortable as his legs were too long to fully stretch out and his backside had long since gone numb. No less uncomfortable than cramped quarters was his inability to keep her  from his mind. Heaven knows that every time she entered his mind it gave him something more to hide from his mother, a rather difficult feat in the confined space of the carriage. 

It seemed to him that the further away he got from her, the harder it was to keep her from his mind. During his nearly five full days in a carriage with only his mother for company, he had had ample time to think, a past time which pained him at the moment. Her father's warning echoed in his mind as her red-rimmed eyes haunted him from behind closed lids. At the time, he had been far too concerned with the feel of her soft body pressed against his and his unfortunate reaction to notice, but afterwards he realized that she did look as if she had been weeping. This realization brought with it a tightening in his chest, a pang of guilt and of concern. He barely knew her, they had met but twice, and yet he felt such a strong connection to her. He knew that he would never be able to better acquaint himself with her, to court her or to marry her, but the idea of another man in that position caused a pain in his gut that he chose to ignore.

Instead Benjamin pondered her apparent distraught and concluded that it must have been his doing. She must have informed her father that he was betrothed and therefore her father warned him away, but how on earth did she know? The arrangement had been struck over a decade ago between his father and the Earl of Montrose, Tess's father. As far as he was aware, very few people knew about the arrangement, only Tess's family and his own. There was of course Jack but he had no reason to tell her, or even the means by which to tell her. Perhaps Tess had shared the information with a friend who gossiped. Considering Tess's quiet nature, he decided that this was unlikely as well.

As he thought of Tess, he could not help but be concerned about her letter. They had been very close friends as children and it pained him to think that she may be ill or injured. While he had never held romantic feelings for Tess, he had known for many years that they were to be married and so he had long since accepted the idea. He had not been faithful to her, nor she to him, but that was an agreement made between the two of them not long after their parents' arrangement had been struck. They were each free to do as they pleased until six months before the wedding, at which time they would court and then marry as planned.

Never before had Benjamin loathed his circumstances more than he did at this moment. The object of his fantasies, the woman who he wanted in his bed more than anyone in the world, was a gentlewoman and he would not ruin her reputation or his father's good opinion when he was so close to marriage with another woman. It would not be fair to either woman, something of which he could not bear the thought.

He was startled from his musings by a sudden gasp from his mother.

"We've nearly arrived my dear!" she exclaimed, "You can see Woburn Alley just around the bend!