Life Sucks Sometimes

Birth! Yay?

I've been given the gift of life... did I ask for this? I don't remember asking for this glib-globbit.

So where were we? Ah, I was born after gandpa died. But wait there's more! During my mother's pregnancy with me, her fathers mother fell horribly ill and some of her last words were "You are going to have a beautiful daughter, I know it." and my mom responded to this with a, "But I only have boys" Her claim is statistically unfounded, and hey, look, I'm a she! Born female, and relatively cis. If you were raised the way I was, you would want to be a dude too. Being a guy gives a lot of freedoms from a good deal of idiocy. 

Between her second son and her first girl my mom didn't lose one family member who was incredibly close to her, but two! Yay, my existence is a disaster! No wonder I was never good enough for mom. Oh well, her deep illogical anger is not my fault.

My mom named me after Anna Dean Mayan, her Grandmother as spoken of previously. My name was supposed to be Anna Dean [Last Name], however my dad argued that he didn't want a daughter with the name of Dean, even if it was the middle. So instead, it became slurred, and my name was supposed to be Alanna, as they agreed upon, but somehow it ended up spelled wrong. My middle name is Mayan, so at least I kept a part of that woman's name. My teachers often say my name wrong and actually call me Alanna sometimes, so I am fairly okay with that mispronunciation, though considering how much meaning there is supposed to be in my name I used to take it's pronunciation to heart and would find myself correcting people. Nowadays it doesn't matter if someone calls me "Fuckbiscuit" as long as I know its me, I don't care. Names are what you make of them, empty words that a person them-self fills with meaning. I'm tired of my old name, I never chose it, I doubt I'll go changing my name any time soon, but I have decided to give myself another name. I have a new nickname I look forward to telling new people so that I can build my own name. Petty, slightly, but it is healthy mentally to be making myself confident and whatnot so that's more of a good thing.

Phew though, naming the baby was a toughie itself, and the thing hasn't even grown old enough to breathe on its own so it can smell cigarettes, or old enough to write cruel words about their family yet. Then again it's not my fault that facts hurt. If facts are so painful, then try to fix it for fucks sake. Change the facts. Change fate. That's my hope anyways. They can't change their shitty pasts, or the people they were back then, but that does not mean that they have to continue being that dreadful being tomorrow, or the next day. 

Between my birth and my younger brother's, there was more of the same mom and dad nuclear family type deal. Complete with a "Christian" mother who drank more than the usual amount of Jesus juice. That's a funny thought, but no to be more realistic she prefers beer. Heavy drinking, like a man, because she needs to be strong, and like a man, because she can't possibly be feminine. And not to mention father dearest who beats mom and young Colin, who also occasionally has an assortment of his other children visit. Both of which also smoked and drunk and fought in front of the children.

My dad's ex, Pam, she had other children with other men. Nothing unfamiliar in this family disaster tree. She had Barrett, Jonathan, and Roman all from different men. Then there was also her children Arianna and Kyle from my father. I don't know much about the father's of the other children, although I heard quite a bit about Roman's pop. Now let's get any question of race out of the way, Pam is white, literally everyone in this so far is white except for Roman and his dad, who are of an unknown to me mixed black descent. I would mention a country if I knew, but sorry that wasn't the most relevant thought at the time. Now, for me to say the truth as I have received from various sources, and it does not make a nice case for black individuals, sorry. Then again, according to my past, white people suck too, so yeah. People suck. Sounds good. I've had more white people wrong me than anything else, so uh fuck this shit I'm going to China. Oh wait no I can't do air pollution.. heck.