Inner World

"I"

I'll start with the word 'I' since I am the protagonist of my own world. I am here. I exist. Hah, those were just sentences that started with I. No real meaning behind them except trying to print my existence. Going back to being the protagonist, I guess no one's going to argue with that. We are the protagonists of our own worlds. Just that, this had become a problem for me. I watched a lot of TV shows, romantic comedies and such, where the guy is looking at the girl. This is embarassing. I've always felt conscious because of that, wishing that someone was looking at me the way the guys looked at the girls they loved. And I became self-conscious. That turned into anxiety- social anxiety. I, for everything that I did, assumed the thoughts some other people might have of me (for whatever I did). And I've done that continuously and lost focus on the world.

I was looking at myself through the world's eyes instead of looking at the world through my eyes. But then, I came upon this question. 'What does it mean to know the world?'. Why do I want to look at the world? Why do I want to know it? Why can't I just continue what I had been doing? Some of these questions have answers, some, I still don't have. That last question, I know I can't continue like this because I don't like living like this- like being bombarded by self-criticism that does not even gain benefits. It's just a suffocating stupid habit. I can't enjoy my life. But then, what is life? Why is enjoyment something I desire? At some point, I just sigh at these questions. There may be no point in trying to find an answer. I wonder if there's answer in love? Love is always such a topic.

I wanted to find myself who ran away some time while I was living my life. But looking back on my memories, everything is just fuzzy and cloudy, I couldn't get a clear one. Except that time, when I was twelve, my mother told me, "You're useless." (But I think the direct translation would be 'You don't have any use'). I think those are just the same, what am I doing? I think something just happened there. But I'm not sure. Fuzzy. Cloudy. Unclear. My whole mind is like this. The puzzle doesn't come together. Just one piece of one, and one of another, and then they go scattered again, and just repeat the cycle. I wonder if I could go on like this.

Thankfully, I have some free time right now because I had so many school stuff to do and worry about these past few days. Worry- this word is necessary. I still have things to worry tomorrow though, but I'm giving myself a break, or not?

Have you ever felt electrocuted after being asked a question by your teacher or professor? I have, lots of time, and I just couldn't think straight and some dumb stupid answers came out of my mouth. Those were such an embarassment, I thought I couldn't live through. But I'm living. Hah. Nothing just comes out when I am being asked a question and I had to respond. Social pressure is the main problem here. Pressure from being given a work and doing it is different from the pressure from being asked for an answer. Whenever there are people, I just get scared. Who knows why?

For example, I would try to straighten my back and feel confident but when a person passes through me, my back would slouch right away. It was automatic. Why do I get scared of people? Why, just why? People always tell, most of couse I only read articles on how to be confident or some articles about overthinking and social anxiety, that you will never know what they are thinking. Why worry about them? Well, surprise, that's what I always try to do. But what is lacking? My effort? Why can't I do it? Maybe I'm just stupid in social intelligence. Where did this come from? I wish I could get an answer. There're my childhood experiences, my genes, my environment- there are so many factors. I can't point it out. I seriously can't Sometimes, I even find myself going in circles and after asking a lot of Why's I end up at 'Why am I even asking these questions?'.

I really wonder why. I really wonder about how our minds work. I really wonder about me and the world and everyone. But I am most concerned on establishing myself... because right now, I'm tiptoeing on a thin thread, ready to fall anytime I lose my balance. Harsh.