Dear Heartbreaker (Completed)

The Final Letter

Dear Heartbreaker,

So the truth of a flawed reality finally showed its true colors and I was overwhelmed by the stark darkness. 

Truthfully, I wish I had something nice to say about her but I don't. I mean really, what do you expect me to say? I became her friend for you, I trusted her for you, and I lost you to her. So yes, there is nothing I can say in a positive light and I was brought up not to tell lies.

I was so naive back then, I trusted you and her. When you two first met I was suspicious right off the bat but, I kept my cool. I mean, who forgets to wear a jacket to an outdoor motorcycle class every week? And always asks to borrow yours. Not interested my ass, just saying.

You blew it off as helping someone in need and I trusted you because you had always displayed honor and integrity in our relationship despite several girls interested in you. The more I complained about her, the more we argued with you coming to her defense. I backed off, not wanting to upset you and the already slippery terrain of our relationship.

You asked me to be friends with her. Told me she needed more girl friends. She would check you out but never when you were watching. She made up excuses for you to come over and you never had a clue...or so you claimed.

Naive, I was so naive. Perhaps being in love for the first time causes you to drop those fences you build up. But perhaps it also weakens you for intruders who can now enter freely because you would do anything to keep the love of your life happy.

So many times I felt so stupid for being jealous or concerned. I didn't want to feel that way, emotionally drained and exhausted. We were so different her and I. She was short and curvy, wore revealing clothes and cussed. I was slimmer and quieter, kinder and more conservative. While I volunteered on weekends, she got drunk and flirted with you. While I was honest, she was deceitful.

There was that one time when she invited you to her apartment and spent an hour with you in another room showing off her dog while I waited, bored, in the adjoining room as I am allergic to dogs and I couldn't hang out with you two. Then another time she cooked you dinner but said it was ok because she claimed she had a boyfriend. It wasn't until later that I found out she pretended to have a boyfriend.

Through it all I trusted you! I put my heart on the line and gave everything I had to you, the Heartbreaker. No one else was privy to what I shared with you. No one else had the devotion I showered you with each day. But maybe it was something else you craved, someone who was willing to be molded and manipulated into your perfect ideal.

Have you listened to the song This is Gospel by Panic at the Disco? I prefer the piano version best but either way it's pretty moving. He talks about letting go and words leaving scars. You left scars on my heart when you didn't let me go. Instead you pretended to love me and gave partial effort to make us work out. Why didn't you let me be free if you wanted her? Why did I have to be collateral damage on your path to redemption?

Even when you dumped me, six days before our two year anniversary, you claimed you and her were "just friends."
I call your bull right now and I called it then: less than two months later you were dating and less than two months after that you proposed.

Proposed! What the heck??? You propose to your supposed "friend" less than four months after dumping me. Sorry Heartbreak but that didn't fly with me. I may have been naive and low on self-esteem but I was not ignorant.

The first six months after our breakup was the hardest. Even though I am the type of person who doesn't even want to kill a bug, I seriously went into an anger overdrive one night and contemplated revenge. Keying your precious car, egging your apartment, telling everyone about your infidelity (including your parents), or revealing a secret which would have caused you problems in several areas.

But I couldn't. Even in the midst of my heartbreak, I was still true to my character: kind and honorable.

Wish I could say we stayed friends. Then at least what we had together wouldn't be tarnished with potent bitterness and salty tears. With you, I found both the greatest love and the greatest sorrow. But staying friends was impossible, especially with her trashing me at every turn.

I cried over you, consumed copious amounts of ice cream, and went out with friends. Then, finally, the tears ceased to flow. I still felt equal parts bitter and frustrated but that was part of healing. Still, I had questions about the why and the how. But, I moved on and the world kept on going, just like any other day.

In fact, I have to thank you because if you wouldn't have been my personal Heartbreaker, then I wouldn't have known what it meant to truly find the person who is the other half of my person. You wanted someone to complete you, I needed someone to be my compliment.

Do you want to know a secret? I couldn't have written this letter the first year after the end of us. It would have been filled with questions, choice words, and had a tone of anger. But I can write it now with a smile on my face and relief in my heart. Relief that I am not the one stuck with the cheater and the Heartbreaker. Relief that I can look back fondly on our first year with no regrets.

Today I am a stronger, more confident version of myself than I ever dreamed possible. And it's all thanks to you Dear Heartbreaker, thanks to the moments which sliced me up beyond what I thought could be repaired. The words which pierced my heart in the darkness and the actions which sealed the fate of our relationship. You assisted in transforming my life, I just couldn't see it right away.

Today though, I can clearly comprehend exactly why there is a story in my past called Dear Heartbreaker. No regrets, no shame, no bitterness and no anger.

While I still wonder at times about the why, I am perfectly content knowing that it wasn't me who wasn't good enough, it was you. You who lacked in the areas where it counted the most, you who ultimately sealed your own fate to the fate you most wished to avoid. I guess they call that karma.

I was meant to be loved, cherished, and respected. Those were gifts you ultimately weren't willing to give freely.

But guess what? I found someone who was willing, and he did.

So Heartbreaker, I guess this is my closure, my final good bye.

As always, yours not so truly,

Elise

Thank you for everyone who supported me though the writing of this story. I couldn't have done it without your wonderful comments, votes and encouragement. Raise a glass (nonalcoholic for me) to all those who have survived their own personal Heartbreaker.

In the words of the Toby Keith song "how do you like me now?" Heartbreaker, "now that I'm on my way."

Comment below if you want to share how it feels to know your own Heartbreaker has no hold on you. You are stronger than you believe and if you are in the midst of heartbreak just you wait, the sunshine will break through and it will be the most glorious thing you've ever witnessed.