For the Sake of Breathing

Chapter Seven

I shouldn't have run with that dust storm around me. 

       I tripped over a rock, and cut my thigh on another, sharper, rock. The blood is welling up and the cut is deep. I silently curse myself. If I wasn't so impatient, this would have never happened. I glare down at my wound, and groan. I am so stupid, stupid, stupid. If Ten were here, this would have never happened. If Ten were here, you wouldn't even be here. You wouldn't even be making this journey. 

        Rage, pain, frustration, and grief  are warring inside of me. I pick up a plate, and smash it against the dusty ground. It breaks into three solid pieces, and I only become even angrier with myself because I just broke that damned plate for no reason. Tears well up in my eyes, and I bend over myself. At least the Carbon Shifter muffles most of the agonized sob that forms in my throat. Lake took the only person I ever cared about. I hate him. And yet... I remember the broken expression on his face, the way he cried as if killing Ten had hurt him as much as it hurt me. I remember the way he apologized, and how he had started talking about Aven for some reason. I remember how he listened to me, and didn't even defend himself from my accusations. The tears flood my eyes. I thought I was over Ten's death, but I'm not sure if I ever will be. 

        I shut my watery eyes, and think of Ten. 

"No, Kaylo, you're holding it wrong!" Ten lectures. 

        I glare at him, and he rolls his dark eyes. He crosses over to me, and then fixes my hands, making me properly aim the hand-gun. He smiles at me. "Better." 

        "Now what?"

        "See that target you're aiming at? Fire the gun," he instructs gently. I nod vigorously, and pull the trigger. The recoil knocks me off of my feet, and I'm sent sprawling back into the dirt. Ten bends over me, and holds the button on his Carbon Shifter as he mutters, "Be careful, there might be some recoil."  Then he helps me to my feet. I give him a dirty look, and retry. This time, I'm prepared, and the bullet at least hits the target. Ten nods in approval. "One more time. Relax a little."

        I groan out of impatience, and fire for the third time. It hits the dead center. I blink, surprised, and glance over my shoulder at Ten. His eyes are wide, reflecting my same expression. He strides over, and hugs me. "Great job, Kay." 

        I drop the gun, and ponder over why he suddenly decided to be so affection over something as simple as shooting a gun. I don't question his reaction, I just hug him back. "Can we stop hugging now?" I ask after a long moment. He releases me.

        "Yeah, sorry," he murmurs shyly, holding my gaze for a moment. Then he picks up the gun and walks off. "C'mon, let's go have lunch."

        I trail after him without a second thought.

 I have applied the medicine to my leg, so now I just have to wait for it to heal. I find my thoughts focusing on Lake, how he must be feeling right now, having officially murdered an innocent person. I feel a fire burning inside of me. He killed Ten. He killed Ten. He killed Ten, my thoughts seem to persist upon. I fuel off of sick, malicious thoughts, and then I force myself to stop. 

        Ten wouldn't want this.

        I understand now. 

        Ten was going to die, anyway, one way was just more agonizing, and pro-longed, while the other was fast and efficient. 

        Lake killed Ten out of mercy, I know that now. Lake didn't kill him. He merely did what he said. He made it stop hurting.

        My eyes are flooding with tears. Is this what acceptance feels like? A heavy, painful weight that you somehow gain the strength to carry? I take, slow, even breaths through the CS. 

        This journey is going to be long. This journey is going to be deadly. I can't rush it, and I have to be patient or I'll wind up getting myself killed. I must not allow myself to have dangerous thoughts. I must focus on my journey, for that is more important than anything else right now. This journey is my redemption. It is my promise to Ten, and it is how I will free myself from the grief of his death. A smile creeps up across my face. Yes. I do not need to grieve, because this journey in itself is me grieving. 

        The sun sets, and I see the light again -- much closer. It almost seems like the light is coming closer, and following me. Now why would someone be following me? Is it Lake?

        I mentally prepare myself for an unpleasant confrontation. 

        As the light comes closer, I realize it's not just one light -- it's multiple small lights. Flashlights, to be specific. It can't be Lake if there's that many people tracking me. Curiosity overwhelms me. Maybe once my leg has fully healed, I'll go  and see who they are. I nod to myself. My decision is final. I will go and investigate once I am better. 

        I watch the people with the flashlights, and slip into a dreamless sleep.