Begin again

Extra : The new first time

July 2020

My head buzzes. Leo, work, Tobias, Christina and Will, my parents, the holidays -

I clutch the steering wheel, taking in a breath when I slam my foot on the break, almost hitting a passing car.

My little boy is missing, I need to finish three reports for tomorrow, Tobias is definitely not going to be home when I get there, Christina and Will are expecting twins, my parents missed the attack at the airport just because their flight had been delayed of half an hour and the holidays are coming up and I have so many things to do -

I realize I've passed my street when I drive in front of the university, the wide, green front lawn bringing back awful memories.

But now he's back and that's all that I need.

Except for my little boy.

I turn on the other side at a red light, the beginning sunset offering me a show of blue and pink in the sky. The same one that was displaying in front of me when he drove away.

Stop thinking about this!

I hear tires screeching. A honk goes off. I widen my eyes, trying to turn, but then I hear a crash of glass and I put one arm above my head -

No, no no no, I want to go home. I want to go home safe! I start crying, trying to figure out how to get out of this mess.

I hear sirens wailing, but I'm starting to slip into unconsciousness, and I feel something dripping on the side of my head but I feel too weak to look.

Instead, I just close my eyes and let my mind go blank.

♥

"They alerted me of your accident about an hour ago."

So it is real. You can actually hear and feel everything around you, you just don't know how to respond because you're too weak. Huh.

"I...I don't know what to say." He chuckles, and I picture him scratching the back of his neck, his eyes down. "It feels weird, it's like I'm talking to myself, but it's directed to you. I've never experienced or knew someone that went in a coma before you."

He takes my hand and kisses it, and something wet falls on my hand. He's crying.

"They took you away from me when they already took our child. Tris, I need you to come back. You can't die. If...if anything happened to Leo, I don't think I'll be able to face it alone. Please." His soft cries turn into sobs, tearing my heart in shreds with every droplet on my hand.

"Tobias?" Christina's voice stops the sounds of Tobias' sobs, which I'm kind of glad for. "How is she?"

"Apart from the fact that she's in a coma?" He snaps, and I know he's hiding his face and he's getting defensive because she might have heard him cry. "She looks dead to me," he states, his voice low and angry. He clutches my hand, and I feel just a small spark of coldness from his wedding band. "I'm going to go to the cafeteria to leave you two alone. Do you, um, want anything to drink or eat?"

"No thanks." He walks out of the room, and Christina, who sat on the other side of my bed, moves something that makes a crackling sound - a bouquet of flowers, maybe - and clears her throat. "Car accident. I...honestly never thought this would happen again, but here we are, aren't we?" She laughs harshly, much like Tobias, and it makes me wonder if they could be compatible once I'll be dead. At least, that's what the doctor tells Tobias these days. "At least, it's not your second, it's just a role reversal. And it's quite a harsh coincidence that this is the exact room I was in when...well, you know. And you were there when Fernando was at the cafeteria, as if you two were late-night babysitters shifting to watch over me and talk to me. Sometimes I almost miss that, now that he's probably never coming back from Afghanistan -"

She cries, and I picture her with a hand over her mouth until she calms down. "But now, it's not about me. It's about you. I'm sorry." The door opens, and by the heavy sound of the footsteps, it's Tobias. She stands up and then there's a muffling, followed by Christina's sobs again. "She's going to die, isn't she? She's going to die and my team and I haven't found your son yet and all of this is my fault. If I was more efficient, we would've found him by now you guys would have a lot less on your minds and this would have never happened and -"

I don't keep following her rambling. The only thought that drives to my head is: is Tobias hugging back? And if he does, in which way does he mean it, now that I'm half (and probably will be) dead? Is the shuffling I'm hearing him hugging back?

Her cries stop and he coughs awkwardly, probably uncomfortable from the action. Must be too early to do this. "Maybe you should go home, Christina. I'll take care of Tris. And anyway, you're going on your break soon, and then you'll be able to relax. I trust you and even whoever takes your place will never have more trust than you have from both of us. Hang on."

"Thanks Tobias. Really. And...I think you noticed, Will and I bought flowers for his godparents." He laughs a little, and he probably nods because I don't hear any thank you's from him. Her heels fade out in the hallway and he sits back on the chair on the same side he sat.

"I saw Lea Brown at the cafeteria. She says hi, but I don't think you would care. She deserves to work in a shitty cafeteria after all the shitty stuff she did to you. Karma is always a good revenge, whether you want to believe it or not." There's a small shuffling - again - and then I feel his lips on forehead, and I want so badly to kiss him and run my hands through his hair and not think about anything else -

Come on Tris, you can do this! A single movement of my hand and I'll be free from this darkness, free from this torture -

I can't do it.

COME ON TRIS!

I can't do it! I want to but I can't! I CAN'T -

And there's a sudden blast that feels like a thousand voices buzzing and shouting -

And a few beeps -

And I'm trying and trying and trying and -

Darkness is all I see and I feel as light as a cloud yet as heavy as an anchor.

August 2020

I can do this. I've gathered enough energy, I have to use it. In 3, 2, 1...

I feel my left hand move, form into a fist, and then it's my arm, and a hand closes around my arm, and -

My eyes finally open. Even though the light is blinding and I really need to catch my breath, it's when I meet his eyes that feel most alive.

"Tobias," I whisper. He wraps his arm around me, and I cling onto him as tightly as him, tears building up in my eyes. "Oh, Tobias, I -"

"Momma!" I pull back, startled by the small voice, but I extend my arms as Leo removes his shoes, climbs on the bed and jumps on me. He wraps his short arms around my neck, and I laugh. I'm finally free from the monster that is death, my two boys are with me. Everything is going perfectly.

"My boys, I missed you so much!" Tobias embraces us both, and I sit up to make him more comfortable. "And I thought I'd never wake up..." I cry silently, and soon Tobias joins in. "I love you guys."

"I love you too momma," he whispers.