Begin again

The last first time

January 2017

I take my time to walk to my house, my legs sore from the training at the sports centre. My feet lazily lead me on the snowy sidewalk as I pass in front of the mosque, taking the time to admire, even thought it's plaid and imposing, the building.

I'm suddenly pushed out of the way by a familiar - maybe he was in one of my classes - running guy with long hair, holding a backpack in his hands. He walks in the building -

POW!

I freeze.

No. This cannot be happening. Not here. It's impossible...

Women and children start running out, terrified looks on their faces. It's when a little girl, not more than three years old, yells her dad's name and I see a flash of red at the end of the hall that I realize that it is happening.

"ENLEVEZ-VOUS DE D'LÀ! GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Through the wailing of families, the thundering of their feet taking them on the other side of the street, the gunshots, the wailing of police cars and the feeling of being outside my body, a pair of arms roughly scoop me up and make me sit down against the brick wall and he calls out someone's name, maybe to take care of me while the officer is on duty. Someone crouches by my trembling body, but I want to go home. I don't want to be here. I don't want to hear little kids crying or men shouting stuff at each other that I don't understand or feel somebody's hand on my shoulder.

"Tris, look at me." The all too familiar voice and the blue eyes I meet when I look up shatter ever cell in me, and I can't speak any more.

"What - what are you doing here?" My voice sounds distant and far away as I stare in his eyes, as mesmerizing as they were all those years ago.

"Look, I know you deserve explanations, but it'll have to be for another time. Right now, I just need you to breathe and tell me what you saw. But you need to calm your heart rate before telling me anything."

I keep staring at him, then dare to look behind his shoulder. Families are huddled up in small groups or in the restaurants facing the centre, mothers or kids crying and couples hugging, all of them displaying something I've never seen before: so this is what they live. This is what they face everyday, out there. They face the hate but still have to stay strong because there's still a long way to do before this nightmare ends.

"I..." I look back at him, trying to keep my voice steady. "I only saw the guy running in the building and then heard gunshots." A flash of the bullet going through the man's head dances before my eyes, and I have to clutch Tobias' arm to make sure I'm not in front of this scene again. My breathing falters and I let out a moan when I see the guy running in front of me, the sound of gunshots ringing in my ears mixed with the sound of piercing screams, and there's the little girl -

"Tris, you're losing control. Control your breathing." He holds two fingers against my neck, and I have even less control now that his touch is driving shocks through my veins. "You know what a gingerbread man said, once?" He has a huge smile on his face, and I wonder how he manages to smile a situation like this one. "Baby, come back to reality." He tries to reach out to me, but I'm quick on my feet and I run in the direction of my apartment -

"I can't. Tobias, I need to be alone." Tears finally storm out of my eyes when his grip of my wrist tightens but it's sending electricity through my body, and I don't hate the feeling of me in his arms again.

"Tris, I need you to collaborate. Then you can go and move on with your life. You know, it can get hard, sometimes, but love is the only thing that makes us feel alive. And I promise that if you stay, just five minutes, I'll help you get through it. If you want, of course."

"And how can I trust you? How can I know it's not a promise in the blue and you'll leave again? No, I'd rather be by myself, thank you very much."

He genuinely looks hurt when I get out of his grip, my fists tight. "Tris, I'll explain -"

"Leave me." I walk away, blinking away the tears rapidly while my legs take me away from the crime scene.

⏰An hour later⏰

Knock knock!

I drop my pencil and walk to the door, stepping back at the sight of the figure before me.

"I just...wanted to give you this," he says, extending out his hand to give me a small white envelope with only my name on it. He scratches his neck, then turns around to leave.

"Tobias..." I look down, then see that his car is in the middle of the road with the flashers on. "Park your car. Do you have the time to come in? Maybe ten minutes?"

"I have to go to work, but I can come by six."

"Then I'll see you at six. And you don't need to eat, I'll prepare something." I smile a little, trying to show little emotion to tease him.

"Sounds good. I'll see you at six, then."

"See you." And when I close the door, I jump. My heart is leaping inside my chest and I laugh, feeling great and relieved and like there really might be hope for us.

And I remember the letter in my hands, and I rip it open, sitting down in the living room.

I'm sorry for what happened earlier. I should have left you alone, but sometimes I have to listen to my brain, not to my heart.

I - whatever he wrote after, he really doesn't want me to see -

And don't forget: loving can heal, loving can mend your soul. And it's the only thing that I know.

Yours always.