Lola's Storys

Introducting Me

Hi i am Lola. I wanted to write this for many reasons, the first is to show the new generation of teenagers that these years are probably the most difficult years of your life, however in saying that it does get better and it always will. Another reason behind me sitting here and splattering all my emotions on to paper is that, it makes me feel not so alone, so if anyone is reading this then you will know i have succeeded in that i am living proof that things do get better.
So here is a little insight of my life. I am currently 18 years old, getting £25 pounds a week whilst living in a single bed with the love of my life. Its a long story of how i got here although we have time. Pretty is not really me, i wouldn't say im the most unattractive around whilst saying that im by far no where near the prettiest. Im quite small framed, i get the usual comments that small people get. Small boobs, no lady curves and you should gain some weight! Having a range of mental health problems doesn't make things any easier, i have not had these problems all my life, they have slowly crept up on me after months of trying to push through. I have only recently came to terms with it, accepted it whilst looking for the help to control these demons inside my head. The raging anxiety, and OCD making it impossible to relax. Depression eating away at the person i once was, making me feel so empty and lost, something
else is there something deep inside of me that makes me manic, hopeful but then invisible and hopeless.

So I noticed that I left this story, I never came back to it trying to forget, but i'm back. A lot has changed, for the better however in myself I haven't changed. Self harm wise i'm clean, depression wise, I am worse than ever. However I have a job, I go to university but nothing is filling the emptiness. I come in and out of depression however my anxiety has became an unbearable burden on my life, its too much to handle. My first year at university has been a rollercoaster. I met a friend- people don't like me so that was a big deal, we will call her Sophie. Sophie self harms, I think my worse mistake was letting her know I do it too. I see her blood stained sleeves, trying to look away so it doesn't seem obvious. But the difference between us is everyone knows about Sophies mental health, she likes to tell people-i don't. People see me as fine and when the ask every inch of my body wants to cry, scream, let it out-but instead I say I'm fine, people worry about Sophie but no one worries about me. Ive failed first year, I couldn't hand in assignments due to the fear of them being unworthy, like me. I couldn't perform my pieces due to my incapability to have a slight bit of belief in myself. Sometimes I can't work out if i'm really feeling this way or i'm creating this in my mind, it scares me I want to know, doctors is a no go due to anxiety. So here is a list of my feelings: I feel worthless, unworthy of love, I feel lonely. I adore my partner but explaining these feelings would be upsetting to him and thats the one thing I couldn't deal with, hurting him. I can't sleep, I awake from sleep around every two hours- usually from a nightmare involving death. I feel sick to my stomach doing the simplest of tasks. People tend to say i'm difficult and don't understand why I can't order my own food or talk on the phone, why I act the way I do. I feel lost in this world and i'm sinking deeper and deeper. If I didn't have my partner who we will call George, I wouldn't have anyone to live for, anything to live for, any purpose.

I like to think I know where this started but truth is I don't. I like writing to get things off my chest it helps me make sense of my emotions. So here is a little back story. I lived with my mom and step dad, I don't like my step dad. I can remember so very horrible things that used to happen but I would never say aloud in case it was my head making up the story. I regret not having a better relationship with my mom but I tried, I tried so hard-she just didn't want it. I meet George in school very soon after we met, George had to move away. In a mad panic and scared to death of losing my first love, I went with him. I lived with his parents(mom and stepdad) they were not very nice people. They were owners of a restaurant therefore we both worked downstairs at the restaurant. I remember very vividly my time there it was awful, every second I was in fear. When George was at work I sat in the bedroom and would not leave, I couldn't even go to the toiletm. I felt very unwanted, isolated in this weird place with none of my friends in distance and began to self harm. I slammed my head against walls hoping to pass out, I toke too many pills in hope of a hospital admission to get away, I cut my thighs, I drank perfume in hope of posioning I also remember eating raw chicken in hope of something bad. Nothing worked. I just wanted George so I just continued. I went to the doctors when I was living there in hope of some help, I sat in the room and balled my eyes out, I couldn't even go in alone I had to take George. The doctors response. Anxiety is normal. This wasn't normal, it was hell. After 3 months or so I was working, it was very busy and Georges parents were stressed, they asked me to help with a job I had never done before. I had a panic attack, I dont remember much apart from screaming telling me to leave, telling me ive ruined their family lives, telling me to get out of their house in a strange city I didn't know. I remember seeing them hit George, pushing him blaming him for my actions. I was sitting in the cold outside trying to piece together what had just happened. I called my dad, I love my dad, he loves me but I will get to that in a bit. Continuing George snuck me back into the flat and I hid, I packed my stuff whilst they were at work and left for my dads. George fully supported this and came with me. To this day I feel so guilty about what happened with George and his family. I single handedly broke their family. I sometimes think if I didn't exist George would have a perfect family life. its my fault. Anyway so my dad, he doesn't have a lot of money nor a lot of space. I lived in the caravan until my brother moved out to live with his partner. I asked if George could move in, but I asked when they were drunk, I wasn't thinking I was completely manic and moved him in straight away. I feel awful about this, I feel like my dad never wanted me here let alone George but he has to deal with us anyway. I cry about this a lot, I feel like I shouldn't be here I interrupted my dads life.