(The hunger games) Mockingjay- remix

Monsterous

I know i promised this for a while ago, but hey... better late than never! to tell you the truth, i didnt give up on this. i was just tired of it. the way i work is that i am scatterbrained. my stuff is a mess, but more than that, my thoughts are messy. so i started this and then i got bored and started another, and now i am back here. dont get me wrong-- i love writing, especially for you guys, and im sorry i didnt. but im not sure if there will be another chapter after this. im sorry. thank you for reading. and who knows? maybe tomorow, maybe in a year, i will start to write this chapter again. but no promises.

now, i hope you enjoy this!!!

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 "I’m ready to go"

"Go where?" 

"Go into battle"

Coin looks at me as if I’m crazy. She looks confused, fazed. But just as fast as she puts on that look, she takes it off. I know she understands. She doesn’t want me going, but she knows I must. 

"Okay. Training starts in a week, and in about 3 months you will be qualified."

What is she saying? Three months? Yeah, I’ll wait three months. In the meantime I can go star gazing and listen to birds sing. She doesn’t understand. I need to go NOW.

As I tell this to her, she looks surprised at how demanding I’m being. She can see the change in Peeta that I see.  The violent, vicious, hateful Peeta. And she does NOT want to mess with that.  She sighs

"Alright, I'll speak to Plutarch"

I never realized how much power I have. It feels good. But in a horrible way.

Waiting for her to reply back to me is torture. I don't know what to do with myself. I visit Haymitch. Before I know it, the visit turns to a trial. We start shouting at each other. It surprises me that I am the one shouting the most. I yell so loud that my voice goes sore. With a raspy gasp, I hear myself snarling at him, telling him that all of this is his fault.

"If it wasn’t for you, none of us would be at the quell. We would know a heck of a lot more than we did. What, did you think we couldn’t handle the information? Because if you would of told me, it would have shocked me. But finding it out WITHOUT YOU is so much worse! I thought you were my friend. My mentor. Someone looking after me. But in reality, you’re a sniveling COWARD too afraid to tell any of us! So now Katniss is afraid of ME!!! Thanks a lot!" I scream fiercely. 

I am making no sense. It is NOT Haymitch's fault, and I know it. But right now, I’m far too angry to notice or care.

"Peeta, what has happened to you?" haymitch asks softly.

He is done with me. He walks out of his own room just to get away from me. I sigh, for who knows how many times, and sit down on the couch. I just screamed at president coin. I just accused haymitch, one of the few who is looking after me. I mean WAS looking after me. After this, I doubt either one of us will look each other in the eye again. 

I have become a monster, thanks to the capitol. Peeta, there are many things you can’t control. You can't control other people’s actions. The only thing you CAN control is your reaction. I hear my mother’s voice in my head. She has told me this countless times when I was younger. When my brothers would fight with me and I would hurt them. When Delly and other friends would pick on me and I would start to cry. By the time I was older, she never had to tell me this anymore. Until now.

"Oh mommy," I think. "I’ve turned into a monster on my own. I have a lot of apologies to go around.

  I am about to apologize to him. He isn't the one I should be angry with. It is Snow now who will have to deal with my wrath. But before I can go anywhere, I hear a knock on the door to his room.

"Haymitch, we have to talk about pe- oh hi peeta, I was just looking for you. There is a meeting about your recent request. Why don’t you come join it?" he asks. I turn, and silently walk next to him for what seems like hours. Finally, when we get to a room far from everywhere else, he scans his wrist, where his schedule is, and the door opens. Haymitch is already there. I try to show him how apologetic I am with my eyes, but he doesn’t even look my way. He ignores me, and pretty soon, I give up. 

"Peeta is that ok with you? Peeta???" says coin.

I didn’t even realize we were speaking. I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t pay attention to what was going on.

"Sorry, what?" I ask

Coin rolls her eyes. "I was saying how you can go if you pass the test now. If not you will train for three months and then go. Ok?"

They are giving me the best that I can hope for, but it is not enough. I know I won’t be able to pass the test. But what else can I ask for. 

"Ok." I respond.

Coin looks relieved. She must have figured I was going to put up a fight like I did this morning. But at this point, I’m done fighting with those who don’t deserve to be fought against. She adjourns the meeting and I turn to look for haymitch, but he has left.

I run to search for him, and finally, after what seems like hours, I spot him.

"Coming to yell at me some more sweetheart?" he snarls.

"No. I’m coming to apologize. What I did was wrong. I guess I lost myself in my stress. But I am found now. And I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve those harsh words. Nobody but snow does."

He thinks for a moment, deliberating my sincerity, and then, finally gives me a hug. I gratefully return it. "Thank you," I whisper.

After all this, I turn to go to bed, given that tomorrow is, as Effie would say, "a big, big day!" and I am taking the test then. But, anxiety overcomes me, and throughout the night I toss and turn, until morning.