I'm Not in Love, I Promise (Peterick)

7: I've Got All This Ringing In My Ears and None Coming From My Phone

[A/N: So this chapter is interesting I think. It's kind of just a whole chapter of Pete's thoughts and I hope it isn't boring. I made it as interesting as I could but I just feel it was necessary and I had some fun with it and trying to make it as "Pete" as possible]

(Pete's POV)

I get home from dropping Patrick off and mentally throw myself off a bridge. I hate myself. Why? I can't tell, but I hate myself.

He saved me so I should be happy.
He forgave me so I should be happy.
He doesn't need me anymore so I should be happy...

But I need him, and I'm not happy. We're so different, he and I. We're so far apart, but on the same wavelength. We understand each other so well...

If only I could understand myself.

I can't come crawling back to him every time I'm afraid. Because one day, when I'm alone, still without a family, I'm gonna need him, and he won't be there. He'll be with her. Elisa. He'll forget about me. And frankly, I can't blame him.

I wish I could forget about myself as easily as he can forget about me.

It's terrible, isn't it? Being jealous of his girlfriend for getting to be around him every second. She's sweet, too. She's a lucky and beautiful woman and if anyone deserves Patrick, it's her. Because unlike me, she's never hurt him. But on the past, i e cause him so much pain and didn't even realize it. Saving Patrick was my obsession. I was determined to never let him grow self-dependent.

I guess I'm jealous. I really am. I thought I was the only one who could ever make Patrick truly happy. I thought I was the only one who understands him. I thought I was the only one he listens to and believes every word of mine.
I guess it's time for me to wake to fuck up and face it:

I'm nothing but a nuisance to him now. I should just get out of his way. He was fine without me...

But the thing is, I wasn't fine. He's been loosing weight, finding himself as an artist, falling in love, and gaining confidence in the past few years.

What have I been doing? Taking antidepressants like a madman, driving my wife out of our home, giving up my chance at becoming a father... I've been loosing myself.

The constant pounding of anxiety in the back of my mind every day I wake up yo an empty house is torture. My consistent fear of when the meds will wear off, and wondering when the burden of bipolar disorder causes me to snap once again. I can't keep up with myself.

This is why I was done. This is why I almost took the pills. This is why if anyone had to save me, I hated that Patrick was the one to do it.

I've made up my mind. I'm just gonna stop everything. Yes, I'm keeping myself alive. No, I'm not angry with him nor his girlfriend. I'm just so frustrated with myself that I can't put that weight on the one man who still cares about me.

Because what if he stops? What if I'm too much for him? Like Ashlee. I know Patrick and I aren't married or anything like that but our relationship was never too far off from that, aside from the extreme lack of sexual interaction and romantic emotions for each other, what we had was a bond as strong as marriage, just platonic.

I've already weakened that bond with him, I can't afford to snap it off completely.

The best way to stay close to my best friend is to not speak to him, right? Right. Then I won't have to come up with alternate names to substitute for 'best friend.'