Floodlights

Chapter 13

While putting on a sweater in Matthew's bedroom, Beth notices his journal in his bag. Looking around to make sure she isn't caught, Beth grabs the book and starts reading. Her eyes stretch wide open as she begins to take in some of his thoughts: most of his soul. She sits slowly on the bed and begins to flick through feeling like a naughty schoolgirl reading her elder sister's diary. The stories, scenes, poems and random thoughts of Matthew all clear to anyone. She began enjoying them for their quality and the fact that some were so positive about her. But clearer to her was his anguish and problems. Reading his unspoken words made her understand him better and feel more empathetic. She slammed the book shut and looked up with her hand firmly on top of the cover. Her eyes are still wide with a glint showing her delight at the deliciousness of it and at the same time the guilt of reading something so private. Forgetting to put it down she holds onto the journal and in a daze moves downstairs.

Moving downstairs clutching Matthew's journal, Beth notices Matthew's dad moving into the front room.

"Beth. Come look at these, has Matthew shown you them?"

"He hasn't shown me anything!"

They both sit down and look at an old baby book. The pair move towards the back where his dad has kept every paper clipping and photo of Matthew playing football. This is from when he used to play all the time.

"Look at the size of his legs!"

"Surprising as he weighed nine and a half stone!" Matthew's dad replies.

"I can't believe the amount of press there is here!"

"Yes back then he was quite good for the papers. You know young kid doing well. The local papers love it."

"I never realised."

"Ah but these do mask things a bit. There were a lot of good players about."

"I'm surprised he came back, he was so against it and doesn't seem to really be enjoying it."

"Like I said before there is something wrong, but he doesn't like being here that much either. As soon as he could he was out of here."

"Not your fault though. He told me it is just that he moved on and wanted to explore or something like that."

"We know, I'm pleased for him."

"What's the matter with him now do you think? It is like he has changed personality and not trying somehow. I mean so he hasn't played in a while. It is a game, go enjoy it. Help your friend out." Beth muses. 

"He won't admit it to anyone but I think he doesn't want to remember himself as being not up to it. I mean the last time he played was five odd years ago. He was great then. But then now he isn't in the shape he was and it takes time and a lot of hard work. He is scared, and this is just my opinion, that the one thing he was proud of maybe somehow blackened. Yes there are things that he hates, like players and the whole mentality. He was also a thinking man's player, but I think it is more of an excuse. You see when he was doing really well, he was about to hit the big time. Get a chance at going pro, becoming a success. Well at least to getting an opportunity to try it. Then he got hurt."

"What do you mean? Seriously?"

"Well, a broken ankle I think it was, or foot. Anyway plastered up."

"So he is scared of getting hurt again."

"I think he never got over the mental side of getting hurt and changing his life. It was six months before he played again."

"Wow! That is a long time."

"All of the people watching him and the opportunity had gone after that. He had to fill the void with something else. He never really did that I don't think. Got scared of failing at something again although I tried to tell him that he didn't fail. He shouldn't see it like that but he is very goal orientated."