I fucking hate you, but please come back.

•11•

The last show was amazing. It was in my home town which is obviously why it was the loudest crowd we've had so far, lol. It's time to celebrate now and you have no idea how much I can't wait to get a drink down me. Me, the girls, a couple of members of our team, our band and a couple of our friends outside of work are going out to celebrate The fact we just completed our first tour as a four piece and that it was such a success. Obviously I'm proud of myself and the girls but honestly tonight I just wanna get drunk, I don't really feel like celebrating. Tours over and it's finally hit me properly that she's not coming back. The girl group that has changed my life and shaped me as a person is now over, I know we're carrying on but there's such a big emptiness without her.

Maybe the other girls don't feel it but I do. She was my normalness. She was my person, the one who made me feel safe. Like my armour. I don't feel myself without her. Ok maybe I'm getting a little too deep now it's probably the alcohol taking a hold of me but all the bad feelings towards her in this moment are disappearing and all I can think about is her smile. How can I be mad at her with that smile? I can't stop thinking about the times we laid in bed together and she told me she'd always be by my side and that she's always a phone call away no matter how many miles apart we are or what time it was, she said she would always pick up.
I took my phone out of my pocket and got her name up in my contacts. I stared at the number for a few seconds, unsure of whether to call her or not. It seems like such a good idea, but I'm incredibly drunk right now.
I didn't call, I couldn't.
I just need to enjoy the rest of tonight after all it is supposed to be a celebration, even if my heart is breaking without her.