I fucking hate you, but please come back.

•12•

It's 4am and I'm back home in my own bed, finally. The alcohols slowly exiting my system and I'm starting to feel sober again. Tonight was ok, I just couldn't enjoy myself properly. I don't understand why i can't get her out of my head. I can't even put into words how much it hurt me when she left, with no reason or no explanation. She text me a couple of days later with a simple 'I'm sorry' and that just got me more mad. How can she just say I'm sorry? Do I not deserve a reason? Do I mean that little to her that she can't even explain to me why she's done this? I thought we was closer than that. Even if she couldn't tell the other girls, she knew she could talk to Me, so why didn't she?

My mind was just working over time now. I'm missing her like crazy but now I'm sobering up all the not so nice feelings are coming back to me. I can feel the anger creeping up on me and the way I felt when I first heard she left came back to Me. How can I be stuck between two complete opposite feelings like this? I either want her back in my life or I never want to see her again. That should be a simple choice right? Wrong!

I know how mad the girls would be with me if I spoke to her but right now i don't care. I have to speak to her somehow even if it's only a text. Non of this is important. Although I'm so fuelled with anger I have to think about how close we used to be. How she was the only person I could talk to who never judged me and how one look at her made me feel like I wasn't alone through anything.

My heart and my head are tearing me apart right now. My hearts screaming at me to text her but my heads giving me all the reasons why I shouldn't. But I need to. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend. I hate her, but she means the fucking world to me! And she always will.