Have you remember the first word I said? " I adore you so much since grade 8 , Your face didn't change like you were so cute like before" then you replied that you were like pikachu you'll never evolved. the second is when I see you irritated by a boy I sit beside you just to sure he will not hurt you (He is Villanueva). the third when you feel alone I sit beside just to introduce the music I listen that has the name that given to you "Angel" . I turned to be your fairy god father just to advise you to your problem and to be a part of your life not revealing the monster that I hid.
We were destined to be grouped at english and that was the only time that we can talk each other. we used to laugh at our own jokes.
You ask me to be your partner , I forget whats the name of it but we called it "The Netherlands", I was hesitating for being a model , walk like a model on stage is the thing that I really don't want to do but I accept it just to be with you . I felt ashamed for that is my first and the worst but It turns into happiness for that was the day I held your hand.
You send me song named " Only Exception ",You said that "I can reflect this song to you" I don't really get the meaning of it .
When we have a group practice from Val-Ed subject and that is the day that I felt you have feelings for me , I was hesitating for I knew it will only come to heartbreaking but I play the game that I didn't know how to play.
The most bullshit happens when the new groupings from English comes I wanna choose you but I choose "Umbay" instead of you because I think the group will be worst if I only choose the thing that is only good for me then the life of me is beginning to be misery and regrets.
You give me a letter. I knew it's you but I wanted to be blind just to play your game . Life I have is turning into misery thats why you see me like this you always said " Are you angry?
No! I'm just sad with regrets that is haunting me on every glimpse of you wishing if I could only turn back the time .
I realize that I need you for you were my happiness , I knew you never eat chocolate but I still gave you , I'm such a dumb , I just only wanted to see if you will appreciate my efforts but I see your eyes and you don't , I know it's my fault because my love is naive , making my life with more regrets that I shouldn't give efforts I just wasted it.
I don't know if you just over played me that time , your friends keep watching on us then my mind whispers to myself " You shouldn't love , it is your weakness , you make an oath to yourself that you should not love someone it is your weakness " and the days of confusion the days of my heart have a conflict to my mind , It's driving me insane and no one can knows what Am I thinking .
Days that is Christmas Party is coming . I was hesitating to buy you some gift that you would remember me because all I ever think is to recall what happened last . When it was the day of Christmas Party I don't wanna go but I don't really know my instinct want me to go ,after the party I was contemplating about moving on and never love you again and that was the time that my heart and my mind both agreed , living those days without sadness nor happiness but only full of darkness.
Then the happens , I never expect that you'll talk to me at that time , I thought your talking to Cerna who is beside me , Gomez told me that why'd I ignore you , I don't really expected that you talk to me , I'd shutdown my emotions and feelings already but the regrets are flowing through my blood . My heart felt rage for why'd I let my mind win.
I wanted to sit beside you and talk to you personally but I was hesitating for I don't want to be hurt on my expectations when I have a courage to do my action it is unfortunate for me. I can't escape this destiny , a tragedy , I made you cry and I don't really know what happens just "boom" the expectations that I had was incinerated by the flames turning into ashes.
Maybe that was the time of my hopeless days , Hopeless to my
problems , Hopeless to my life , Hopeless to all I ever knew for this life I had turns into misery day by day I live like a curse that can't be cured.
Valentine's Day is coming but I'd shutdown my hopes to prevent myself to be hurt But Balante had planned to make us talk , I don't really want to 'cause I knew your already happy and I don't want to disturb your life anymore so I wrote a letter you may think that the letter is my confession but the truth is it is my "Goodbyes" it may hard to understand 'cause all I wrote was reflected to what I am "A person that is very difficult to deal with". I've think that shutting down my emotions is not the solution for it can be turn on easily so I have bury my feelings and emotions.
I was meditating at home sacrificing my school time in that day just to rest at home relieving the stress that I have then I notice that you message me on Facebook, you said "why aren't you here", I replied " Why? " , then you send me a sad emoticons , thats why I have nothing to do but to reply your message on me that day . Yes , we may have conversations but my feelings and emotions are the same as I did before , I'd bury my emotions and feelings. I made a poison for myself , words that reassure me to my fate.
I've block you in Facebook and stop staring at you. Yes, I don't regret it. I've reassure myself "what's the point of doing this". I don't wanna play this game , I don't wanna right a story about you , I don't need you anymore . I already burn the my memories to you . Your letter , Your song and I don't really feel regrets to all I did.
It always remind me from pain so I did
I remember what Silvino told me " Infatuation , a feeling of love that only exceed 4 months ". She is right my love for you is only an infatuation for it's hard to explain I try to read your eyes but it's complicated. This past I had I always contemplate if your love for me is foolish but no my love for you is . It's funny if I think my past full of awkwardness and dumb decision why I fall in love to a girl that is only a nothing to me . I'm not afraid to lost her because if I did I only lost nothing. My heart is only my mind why would I blame my mind for letting my heart lose. It's just an instinct that I don't need her.
I want that my girlfriend will be there for me that she can understand me and will never leave me alone the girl who show me what are positives the girl who will break my negative perspective the girl who will hurt me just to comfort me the girl who will never hesitate for me the girl who will make me happy the girl whose very serious and can be joker the girl that can change me . I know someday someone will show me that but for now I rather live my life as I wanted to be . sometimes you need to hurt someone just to comfort him and I know nobody can understand my perspective all of my exaggeration , metaphor and hyperbole that I say that I wrote.
This is the montage of my Infatuation love to a beautiful girl that I've lost . I'm tired to fight I know it's not worth fighting for. I already give you my love and my care before but these things just don't work out and now I don't have reason for you , I don't really know whats the point of this . I already just raised my white flag means I surrender I want us to be lovers but things can't work that way , I want us to be friends but things can't work that way . I have nothing to do but to let you go and I will set myself free flying alone in this cold sharp air with nothing but my misery business.
I don't really expect a happy ending for this is not a fairytale this is the reality far from our fantasy.
I hope this is my last goodbye
Goodbye to my feelings to you
Goodbye for I wish our destiny will never cross again
