You are my sunshine {Bellarke | The 100 Fanfiction}

Chapter 6 - If I'm on that list, your on that list

My pen lingers over the number and my hand begins to violently shake. There are so many people who can endure the survival of the human race that I can put down...so many more. From her records Nancy has a high reproduction rate in her family...and carters family can dodge sicknesses and illnesses. My hand begins to shake and I look up at Bellamy. He's still sleeping...............no......I have to write him down....I can't not. I go to write his name but stop myself. There are more skilled people...others the human race needs! Damn IT Clarke! Don't do this for yourself! I go to write someone else in 98 but I stop myself again and lean back in my chair. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I can't do this. I can't do this I can't do this I can't send him to his death I can't do it I can't.......I start to breath heavily. I close my eyes and breath. Ravens words come into my mind.

Write the List Clarke. Do what's best for your people. Please you know it's the right thing. This is not for your. It's to ensure the survival of the human race for the future!"

"I can't" I sob and quickly shut my mouth. I don't want to wake him. I'm sorry Raven. I can't loose him. I can't. He's the only one that has ever understood me. He's...I....I...I can't watch him die...I can't....I have to know he's going to live. I know he doesn't want to be inside but I can't....I can't let him die. I love him too much to let him go....I........well I....uh...well I love all of them, my mum and Octavia and Raven and Kane and.....

I look over at him once more and suddenly I am sure. I write down his name.

99. Bellamy Blake
100.

An amount of relief fills me as I stare at his name on the paper. Now I know he's going to make it. Suddenly all relief escapes as I stare at the 100. My pen begins to shake. I haven't written myself yet. I have to write down others. I have to write Nancy....she's can reproduce well.....I can't not write her....and I mean what can I do? I can't do anything. I can't even be a good leader! I'm useless and it would be selfish to write me. All Iv done is cause harm to everyone. I killed the people at mount whether....i was willing to let a bomb drop on that grounder village......I don't deserve to live.

I go to write Nancy but then stop myself again. How would I know if Mom and Bellamy would be okay? No I have to write me...no! Clarke don't be so selfish! Your people come before you. They have Bellamy, they will have Bellamy, mom, Kane and Jaha to look after them. Kane will have Mom and Bellamy will have his sister and hopefully someone he can love and -

My mind blacks out and suddenly tears run down my cheeks. My heart is beating heavily. This is all too much. I can't write my name. I won't. It's not right. The pen I still shaking in my hand. I let it go and tears are continually running. Everyone will be okay without me. They all have someone....they don't need me. No one needs me. I lean my hand on my forehead and cry into my palm. Before I realise that I am too loud. I see a figure in the corner of my eye. Bellamy. I back away slightly from the list and he peaks over at it and scans down the list. His expression hardens and he purses his lips together. His muscles tense and I can tell he knows I'm not on that list. His eyes rip into mine as if he's mad...no....not mad....but......I can't make out his expression. It's almost as if he's desperate...he's panicking internally. Yes. I know that look. Seeing him give me this look just tears my heart apart. More tears run down my cheeks. I know what he's going to say and I can't.........

"If I'm on that list....your on that list"

"Bellamy, I can't-" I plead as I shake my head and I sniff loudly unintentionally.

"Write it down, write it down or I will" he interrupts and says softly. He isn't mad....he's not angry with me....but he looks hurt and almost as if he's....dying inside.....

I pick up the pen and it hovers over the paper.

99. Bellamy Blake
100.

The number is still there...right in front of my eyes....haunting me. It's almost like the pen and paper are magnets and the paper is pushing me away. No matter how hard I try, the pen cannot seem to reach the paper.

"Bellamy I...I can't ..... I....." I choke and can't stop the tears and the burning block in my theist. I can't breath. I can't do this. I can't. I look up at him desperately and he's fighting back tears. No...don't do this to me Bellamy....don't. He reaches for the paper and grabs the pen out of my hand. He bends down and writes my name on the paper. Each letter he writes crushes my soul....but also make me feel.................needed. He closes the pen and we both stare at the list.

99. Bellamy Blake
100. CLARKE GRIFFIN.

My tears were sticking to my face and I tore my eyes from the list. I can't bare to look upon it anymore that Iv put my name on it...no...for some reason I feel more at ease now....now that I know I wasn't the one to write myself down...I feel less selfish and guilty. I look up at Bellamy staring down at me. There is silence. His brown shirt is tight around his muscles and- I internally slap myself and quickly think of anything to distract myself.

"What do we do now?" I sniff softly.

"....hope we never have to use it" he responds, there's a sadness in his tone but also hope. He still has nope.

"You still have hope?" I choke on my tears as they are threatening to burst from my eyes.

"We're still breathing?" He asks and lets in a little smile. That's it. I can't. All my tears fall as I force a smile but it quickly vanishes. My hands and body begin to shake as I look away from him....I just...this is very selfish of me....but....I want him to hold me....I want him to-

Suddenly I feel his hand squeeze my shoulder softly and all my fears and worries vanish immediately. His touch comforts me and I immedietly each for his arm and lean my head on his arm. My tears brush against his warm skin. I don't want to pull away. I want to stay like this forever. I don't want him to ever go away...I need him....I want him. I close my eyes and I am about to wrap my other arm around his arm and bring his hand to my lips but then he squeezes his hand on my shoulder.

"Hey..." he whispers. I remove my head from his shoulder to look up at him but my hand is still holding onto his arm for dear life. He looks at my longing face with a saddened expression. He knows. He knows I need him more than ever. My lips part unintentionally as I look up at him, my eyes burning tears. My hand is on his arm. This long silence is deafening and I want him close to me so badly right now. He doesn't even know how much I care about him....

"Get some sleep" he says softly but sadly. I blink tears from my eyes. He wants me to let go of his arm. He wants me to leave. I force a sad smile and he removes his hand from my shoulder. He stand there for a couple of seconds. Not moving. Just looking at me sadly. For some reason I know. I know what we both want. But we can't have it. Now is not the time. He looks at me understandingly and I see the pain in his eyes as he forcefully tears his eyes from mine. With every step he takes, every move he makes...My heart rips in two. I need him more than ever...we need each other more than ever but we both know that can't happen.....not now....not when the world is ending in two months. A tear runs from my face and I don't take my eyes away from him until he exits the room and does not look back. I still stare at the door where he just left and immediately feel the need for him to come back. For him to bring me in his arms...I want so much more than what he just gave me.

I stare at the list and it suddenly brings me back to reality. I brush away my tears and put it under the desk and exit the room. It's still night and although I have slept a whole damn week I am exhausted and I do not know why. I make it to my room and see the food beside my bed. Did mom put this here? Did Raven? I bring the food to my mouth and begin eating for the next hour. I wipe my face after I'm done and sit on the bed, I remove my shoes and tuck myself in the covers of the sheets and slowly shut my eyes.

I picture Bellamy in my mind and begin to fall asleep.

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Author's note:

Ahhhh I just had to include that beautiful scene!!!! ❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️ I hope you guys liked it. I'll be updating again shortly :-)
P.s. Can't wait for the new episode today! (COUGH) Clarke SAVE your HUSBAND!!!!