The Thoughts of An Addict

The Night It All Began

  "And yet it was so long ago, this ache to do something to eat away at my sanity, I thought I had beat the thought of it. But yet I haven't, it haunts me. Remembering what happened that night, that fear I felt, I wish I had faced it. I wish I had done it. But I know within doing that I would have ruined myself, my life and my dreams. I couldn't do it, I knew I shouldn't. But here I am again, thoughtlessly wishing I could have known the feeling she was experiencing. I want to know the rush of it all, the lifeless floating feeling. The only thing I want to do now is try my hardest to resist temptation, to fight the urge. But I know it won't last long, I'll just fuel the feeling with other things to imitate the feeling. But it won't be enough. Maybe I am losing it, maybe I am losing myself, I'd never know. But up until this point I'd never wanted to attempt my life is such a numb suicidal manner, but here I was. Watching her hit it seemed so easy, habitual almost. But I know it wasn't, it was a need for her. I'd seen her on her bad days, her clean days. And I'd seen her on her days where she'd been sedated to the point she couldn't stop looking around the room as if someone bad was watching her, and itching the inner corner of her arm trying to keep calm. It was a terrifying night, but yet, some of my brain wishes I would have joined. But even then, I know if I had it would have been my own end."