The Thoughts of An Addict

Two Months Sober, Three Month of Agony

"To believe someone is sober is something, but to be living sober is like going through hell twice and still burning alive getting out. Being two months sober is a final day dream for me, but the urges still arise within the night, because getting high was my cope when my clear nights during to dark days. I didn't know what else to do except get high and see some sunlight within my days, but now with being sober, I find the sunlight in little things. But even those little things don't help me anymore, I keep wishing I could just feel so weightless again, but I know I can't.
Two months sober, and yet these past three months have been hell. All of my emotions that I used to hide behind with getting high, are now alive and very much present, and it feels like I'm drowning again most days. Some days I don't need anything to feel alive, but even so, I don't feel like it lasts long. I never thought I'd see myself within a self-habitual rehab, but here I am, twiddling my thumbs and smoking cigarettes until my lungs give out or I throw up from the nicotine. One part disaster, Three parts broken, it's all I am and I know I'm trying to fix who I am, but I know it won't change. No matter how long I stay sober, no matter how long I fake being okay and happy, I will always fall back down; I will always fall apart; I will always be broken inside. I never know what tragedy is next around the corner, but there's always one thing on my mind, 'Without my cope, getting high, when will it ever be okay again?'."