Red Darkness (On Hold)

A Search For Me

I sit and eat the bread while I wait for Mum to come down. The kettle starts to boil and I pull it off of the stove and pour two mugs of hot water. One for me, one for Mum.

Mum comes clumsily down the stairs about three minutes later, not entirely awake yet. It's quite dark out still, and snowing.

"Awww. I thought it was done snowing this year," I say in an attempt to see if she's still in last night's mood

"I wish it was, I don't like going to work in weather like this," she replies.

"Well I don't like going to school. Period."

"You're going to school today, young lady. I don't care if you want to or not."

I sigh.

"Fine. But I do so under protest."

"Protest noted."

We go back to eating, and I conclude her mood is a little better than last night. At least she answered with words, not grunts.

After I'm done eating I put my mug in the sink and find some food for lunch. I pull on a coat and get ready to face the weather. Mum comes over and gives me a kiss.

"Have a good day at school," she says.

"I can't guarantee it, but I'll try," I reply.

I grab my stuff and head out the door, deciding to take the long route to school, despite the snow. Maybe the cat at the Green Door's house had her kittens. I walk along, noting the changes the war has placed on my cheery little town. Posters of Stalin hung everywhere, promoting our leader and his regime. I don't think much of politics, it's just a bunch of riffraff to me. Eventually I suppose it will have to matter, but for now I could care less.

As I walk by the house with the green door I look for the calico that hangs out around there. I haven't seen her for a week, and I heard that the local dog pound was picking up cats for getting into garbage cans. I just hope she's smart enough not to do that. I don't see her at first glance, and since I was a little late in leaving I don't have the time for a greater search. I move on, still worrying about her. As I near the school I automatically put my head down to avoid the snowball fight that is sure to be happening. Just as I'm about to open the doors a snowball whistles by my ear, aimed at a boy in the year ahead of me.

"Sorry Iskra, I thought Alexei had a better aim!" cries the boy who the snowball was aimed at.

"It's okay, it didn't hit me, so it doesn't matter." I shout back, but I doubt he heard me, Alexei was busy trying to pummel him to a pulp for his last statement.

I shake my head and go inside, wondering how in the world some guys could care so much about aim. I take off my outer coat and go to homeroom to wait for the day to start. About a minute later Alexei and his snowball buddy rush in, just in time for the bell to ring. The slump down laughing and try to catch their breath. The teacher stares at them for a moment then shrugs.

"All right, everyone to their seats please."

The boys dump their coats in the closet and go back to their seats, already chattering about this thing or that and who has the bigger muscles. Like anyone cares. I settle into the monotony that school has, and start to think about last night again. I'll have to swing by the library on the way home if I want to find a book on big cats.

Classes continue on all day, but I hardly pay any attention. It's not until biology that I start to notice anything odd. I'm just starting to lose myself in the world outside the window when it starts. A sharp jerk on my nails and an itching on my legs. What the...? What's going on? Very carefully I pull up the bottom hem of my skirt and look at my leg. Oh no. Why here, Why now? My legs are starting to become covered in dark hair and on top of that I feel like I'm going to throw up again.

"Mr. Bondar I think I'm going to be sick!" I yell as I run from the room. I less than a minute I'm in the restroom in a stall with the door locked. Taking deep breaths I try not to be sick and make sure I saw what I saw in the classroom. It spread. Now there is black hair on my forearms, and my nails have defiantly turned into claws. I whimper. Why now? I try to calm down so I can change to my normal self, but before I get that far I hear the door to the restroom open.

"Iskra? Are you okay?" asks someone apparently from biology.

"Um, not really, no. But you can't do anything for me, just go back to class and say I was too busy throwing up to answer you," I reply. She pauses, clearly unsure of what to do.

"I'll check your homework over for you," I say, hoping that is enough to get her to leave.

"Well... Okay, but don't take too long okay?"

"Fine."

I hear the door creak open and she leaves. I relax against the wall and wonder what would have happened if she hadn't left. It doesn't matter. She did leave. Now get back to yourself and go home sick! It takes less time than last night, but I'm shaken to the core. Why did I change like that in the middle of the day without trying to? Am I reacting to something in the classroom?

I do my best to look ill as I head back to the classroom and ask to be sent home. After a quick call, I am told to go down to the office to sign out. I gather up my stuff and go downstairs quickly. The secretary at the desk signs me out and wishes me a good day. Um... lady can't you see I going home sick? And you're wishing me a good day? I slog home, still not feeling well. Maybe all these changes are some sort of elaborate hallucination.

As I pass the library I remember that I want to look up what kind of cat I am. I shrug. Why not? I carefully make my way up the stairs, hoping I don't slip on the ice. A broken leg is the LAST thing I need. It's warm inside, so I shed my coat and find a librarian to ask about the book.

"Excuse me, but do you know where I can find a book on all kinds of big cats?" I ask sweetly.

"Yes I do. Right this way," says the first man I come across. He leads me into the bookshelves, taking turns I know I won't remember.

"Here we are. Just come up to the checkout desk when you're done," he walks away in a stately manner, like he's on stage or someone's butler. I turn to the shelves and find at least thirty books on big cats. Where do I start? I pick at random and see the title is Learning About Lions. I look at it and sigh. This will take forever. I decide to start at the top and work my way to the bottom. I grab a ladder and position it below the bottom left corner. I pull out the first book and flip through it quickly, and finding nothing, I place it back on the shelf and move on to the next book.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~23 Books Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Finally!" I cry out, holding out a book that has at least a page each on 32 different species of big cat. I get a stern look from an older lady and reprainding "shhhh!" from a man over in the housecat section. I put the ladder back and begin the daunting task of my way back to the front desk. Once I get there I sign out the book, grab my stuff and head home.

I still don't feel that well, so when I get home I ditch my stuff at the door and grab a blanket. I curl up on the couch and open the book I got. I flip past the pages that show commonly known cats and move on to the ones that show ones that I don't recognize. There are cougars and types of tiny cats. I flip past those as well, none of them have black version. Then I find the leopards. Ooooo. They come in black! I wonder if that's what I am? I bookmark the page and continue on. I run across something called a kodkod, and get excited again. Oh wait. They're only about 51 cm long. Well, guess it helps narrow down my search, but they are so cute!

I flip more pages, and see more cats than I knew existed. Nearing the end of the book I find two pictures of a large cat, one is black and the other is like a leopard. A thrill goes through me. This is what I am! A black jaguar! Eagerly I read the scant three pages on them. Why don't they have more information on them? I sigh. I guess it's back to the library tomorrow.