𝐍𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐆𝐨

Part 7 ~ Endeavour

Charlotte's Point Of View ~ 

I sit down on the couch, sipping on my large glass of watermelon and vodka. My legs are crossed at the knee as I sit solo on a quite comfortable couch that reaches from one end of the club all the way to the other. I'm not really paying much attention to anything or anyone else . . all my attention is drawn by this delicious cocktail that I have in my hands. The colour is beautiful. It's like a hint of purple and orange and the rest of it is just this lovely dark pink, garnished off with a long bendy straw and a sliced, single strawberry and placed on the rim of the glass. 

The music is extremely loud. To be honest. 

I'm kinda new to this whole 'clubbing' scene. Yes, all my friends were going out and having the time of their lives . . well, that's how they all described it as. Drinking and dancing the night away with people they just only meet on the dance floor, lining up to get a drink from the bar or even talking and meeting new friends as they went to the bathroom. The stories seemed a little over the top for me . . not really my scene. Besides I didn't need all of that. I didn't want it . . none of it. Because, well I just wasn't really that interested, I guess. But I need to do this. This could be really great for me. I have to live my life. And I want to keep moving forward . . it's been a tough couple of months but I know I can do it. I wanna be happy, be that person I was before it all. I wanna be strong. I just can't help it. It's really hard . . thinking about him all the time. And my feelings . . you can't just turn those off. I wish I could. Ugh fuck, there is Michael again. 

. . in my thoughts. I see his smile. I feel my heart break slowly. Why does it keep on happening? I am going to have to buy a life time supply of bandages in order to keep my heart from completely breaking apart. 

No. I mentally shake my head. 

No. I'm not letting it happen again. I smile slightly as the straw sits in my mouth. I have a sip of my watermelon and vodka cocktail. I am here to have a fun night out, to just enjoy myself. To smile and actually mean it. To try and move on from him. I snap back into reality as I see Jasmine not too far away from where I am sitting. She's sitting on a stool . . at a table. And she's talking to some guy but who he is? Does she know him? Maybe she's doing what my friends always did . . making friends. I don't know. I'm looking at her as she is talking to this guy. She's smiling and laughing and . . oh my gosh! She's just playfully touching him. I see her place her hand gently on his arm as she continues to flirt with him. I'm confused. How can she do that? How is she so strong to do that? Well, her heart isn't fragile as mine is right now. Her heart is very strong. Anyone's heart is strong compared to mine. 

The music is still blasting. I look around the club . . everyone is dancing and smiling . . laughing. How can they smile? How can they be happy?

I wonder what it's like to smile and mean it. For it not to be an act. I want that feeling back so fucking badly. 

I feel something. 

. . I feel someone near me. 

I snap my thoughts back once again as I realise that there is a guy sitting right next to me. I just look at him, he's smiling at me. I'm not looking at him though. I refuse to look back at him. 

"Hi . . I'm Tom. What's your name? . . " He asks me, his voice raised but only because of the loud music that is filling this club. 

He's sitting right next to me. I sip my cocktail, hoping he will get up and leave me alone. I place the now empty tall glass onto a small table that is there. 

Breathe, Charlotte . . 

. . your okay. This is a good thing. Look at him. 

Talk to him. 

I look over to him. He smiles as he sees my eyes land onto his finally. His eyes, they are so different. Michael's are deep, captivating and a stunning dark chocolate brown in colour. With that sparkle in them that just makes the heart jump. But this guys eyes, they are different. 

They aren't Michael's. 

I am fighting with my own mind. I know this isn't Michael. He isn't here and he will never be here. But I want him to be here. Fuck, I wish he was. I'm trying so hard not to do this . . don't Charlotte. Why am I doing this? But Michael is all I think of. He is all I think about. I want them to be Michael's eyes looking back at me . . not Tom's. Being here was meant to be what I needed but now I'm thinking . . it wasn't a good idea at all. I'm not okay. I'm not as okay as I thought I was. I'm not okay even though I crave to feel that way. I look away from Tom. 

My eyes begin to water. 

" . . I'm . . my name is . . " Breathe, Charlotte. Smile. 

" . . my name is Charlotte . . " I say in a shaky tone. 

This is wrong. I shouldn't be doing this. I just feel guilty. I just feel so fucking guilty for even speaking to another guy that isn't Michael. But it was Michael that left. I shouldn't feel like that at all. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be here, talking to this Tom guy. I just can't do it. I can't do fucking do it. I'm trying but I can't . . I just can't. 

I feel too guilty. 

I can't breathe. I have to leave right now. 

I stand up without saying anything to Tom. Making my way to exit. People here and there, I push past them trying to get through. I'm standing outside of the club. The fresh air calms me down a little. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even make conversation with that guy. What's wrong with me? I can't even fucking do that. This is not fair. I don't wanna feel this way. I know that I will love again, I think I will. How will I get through until then? . . Will I be okay? Will I survive? 

I look up at the dark sky. 

. . it's back. That big, bright star is back. I feel a moment of calm, such peace. 

"Charlotte. Charlotte . . wait . . " I hear my name being called from behind me. 

I turn around and see Jasmine sprinting after me. 

I stop. She catches up to me, breathless and very confused. 

"Why did you just get up and leave like that? . . " 

"I saw that guy talking to you and you just took off, Charlotte . . " 

" . . look honey, I know it's hard but I'm trying to help you. Let me help you . . " Jasmine says. 

Jasmine's stare is intense yet very soft. Her eyes are beginning to water as well. She knows me way too well. She's my twin sister so she knows me more than anyone. She feels what I feel. When I cry, so does she. When I'm smiling, she's smiling with me. But that feeling hasn't happened for a while now. Tears start rolling down my cheek. My mind is going crazy. All I see is Michael. All I want to see is Michael. But he isn't here and all I feel is sadness and guilt and I hate it. Michael is nowhere near me, he's not here . . he's gone. And I can't bring him back. I feel like I have failed. My goal was to meet new people, talk to guys and start to move forward from Michael. But instead of doing that, I'm crying in the street wishing Michael was here. 

"Jasmine, I'm going home. I'll see you there . . " I say, my voice cracking. 

I turn on my feet and flag down a taxi. I hope in, telling the driver my destination. I'm just sitting in the taxi, crying silently. I hope the taxi driver can't notice my distress. I can see Jasmine just standing on the side walk as the taxi drives away. She's confused but I see her walk back towards the club to head back inside. 

I tried. But I couldn't fucking do it. 

I can't let go of him. I can't do it. I can't let go of him. Not yet. 

Why can't I do it? 

I'm scared, I'm so afraid. I am afraid of who I have become from this. More tears fall from my red eyes. I miss him. I miss him way too much. I need him, I crave him. All I do is cry for him, I feel like I'm mourning him all day and everyday. This isn't normal, it isn't healthy. I know it's not. That's why I hate being this way. I get some angry at myself . . at my mind. I am so ashamed. I want to be better but I know I'm not. 

Michael has completely broken me. 

I just need time. A bit more time. 

to be continued.