After

During

The last full day of During was a Monday. My friends all woke up, went to college, did their work, ate, laughed, went home, some spent time with their families whilst others spent time alone. Then at the end of the day they slept.

It's Monday morning and I wake up in my usual sweaty state, opting for a rather cold shower to help wake me up, keep me awake, and make me feel more alive. I can feel my body begin to freeze, but I don't care because I least I feel something other than the pain. After 20 minutes of standing under the icy blast, I get out and stare at my reflection in the mirror. My face is still slightly heart shaped, my eyes were a honey toned brown, my hair still auburn peaking the mud brown dye. My lips still a dusty rose shade and my nose still looks more like my mum's than my dad's. But it is not my face. Something about the way it holds the vacant expression, the way the eyes no longer shine with the hope of a youthful girl. I know what my face looks like, but it hasn't looked like my face for a long time.

My thoughts are disturbed by my mum asking me if I want a cup of tea before she leaves for work. I shout 'yes, thanks' as I walk across the hallway from the bathroom to my bedroom. I stop in the doorway and took in the sight of it. It was still mine, with all my things, but it wasn't a bedroom anymore. This has been my own little planet for too long now and you can tell. My scent is permanently imprinted on every millimeter of the room, cinnamony and a little bit sweaty.

I throw on a loose deep grey hoodie with my old school logo on it and some purple shorts with little bunnies on them. The air is too stuffy in here so I pull back the curtains letting in the pale light of the early morning and open the window even wider. I make my bed, even though I know I'll be getting back into it soon and put my grey bunny slippers on before heading down stairs.

The kitchen smells like peppers and tea, a rather odd scent, but a very familiar one. My little brother is obsessed with red bell peppers and won't eat anything else for lunch. The chopping board is still out and covered in the juicy remains. Mum is stood near the kettle, phone in hand, frowning at the screen. She's probably online shopping again. She only notices me when I go to grab my mug.
"I would've brought it up to save you walking." You can see the lines around her eyes up close when she frowns, they're deep and well used.
"That's okay," I say as I breathe in the milky scent of the tea and begin to shuffle backwards, "I needed the exercise." It's not a complete lie, but I watch my mum's expression lighten. She's always telling me I need to move on bad days, she likes to know I'm trying. She appears happy enough with this statement and moves her attention back to whatever online sale is happening.

Stairs. Easier going down than up, just like hills, especially when one of your hands is occupied holding boiling hot liquid. I brace my right arm on the wall and begin my ascent. As I reach the third step I feel her behind me reaching for the mug. I turn to give her a weary smile which she echoes. I hate seeing her look like that. "This is why I bring it up silly girl." I can't help rolling my eyes at this. This pet name is not one I have earned, instead she uses when I reach my limits to remind me not to push them. I suppose it's a good thing really otherwise I might forget I'm falling apart.

She helps me into my newly made bed and takes my slippers off. I want to protest, to tell her I'm still capable of doing things by myself, but I know she's only doing it to show she cares. Then a confused expression forms on her face and she leans over me to close my curtains. "I'll be back soon, call if you need me" and just like that she's gone.

I listen for her footsteps as they grow quieter and the familiar click as the door locks. I take a small sip of the tea, still too hot for me to drink and get up taking it with me into the bathroom. Once there I pour almost all the liquid down the sink, leaving just enough lurking in the bottom to give the illusion that I fell asleep just before I could finish it. Then I rinse the sink and avoid looking at my reflection. I can't bear to look at the stranger with my face again today.

I climb back into bed and drift off into a coma like state and I stay there for the rest of the day. At some stage my mum comes home and I wake just enough to hear her shouting up the stairs, but I'm not conscious enough to respond. Throughout the day there are other noises as my siblings return from school and work. I hear laughter and sounds of them playing in the living room, but I'm not awake, I cannot leave my bed.