Damaged

Chpt3

For the past days I've been in bed. I wake up for school, come back home and eat and lay down only to stare into the ceiling. I make sure all the lights are off because that's the only way I can think clear. This has been my daily routine since I've been here. My sisters have been reaching out to me. We have a scheduled visitation coming up with all of us together and my mom. We haven't been in touch with Rashaad. We've tried reaching out but no response. Our caseworker reassured us he'll be at the visitation though. That's been the best news I've heard all week. My grand-mom and my sisters grand-mom have been communicating a lot lately. That's a good thing because my sisters and I can get together more often. As far as Rashaad he stays in Texas with his teacher so I'm sure we won't be seeing him much. I'm excited about seeing them all I can't wait. I thought sleeping the days away will make it go by faster, but all in all that's the only thing I've been thinking about which makes the days feels slower. My caseworker assigned me a counselor who is also supposed to meet with me next week. I'm not so happy about that. I don't like talking to strangers about my problems. It's nothing they can do to help so why bother. If you ask me it's just another way to create more finances. She doesn't know me nor has she dealt with the things I have so what does she possibly have to tell me. Grand- mom San has been trying her best to cheer me up. Everything is perfect here but I miss my mom. Nothing can take the place of her. We have no good memories of mom but that doesn't stop the love I have for her. I'm not even sure as to why I love her. It just doesn't feel right without her. Maybe she's happy without us. We haven't spoken to her and I'm sure she hadn't called because grand-mom hadn't mentioned it to me. So maybe she is better off without us. She always say "she should have had an abortion with us and How much she hates us when she's upset. Every weekend she tells us how we need to find somewhere to go because she's ready to get rid of us. Grand-mom says she's sick but she doesn't look sick to me. She'll start to miss us soon maybe we just gets on her nerves. Dad normally comes by and picks me up or come see me on the weekends when I'm with grand-mom he hasn't came by this week either. Maybe everyone is just busy. I've called him only to be interrupted by his voicemail three time before it can even ring twice. I hopped out the bed and pulled my diary out to write. My diary is the only thing I trust that won't tell my secrets. And plus mom always says "don't say anything to anyone if they ask us anything tell them to ask our mom". My brother and sisters and I always live by that rule. "Don't say anything to anyone". Neither of us would take when caseworkers come by, when the school counselor brings us into her office or when our teachers asks us questions. Even when my dad or grand-mom ask me anything I always go by the rule my mom sets for us. If we fail to follow that rule we know what comes next. There has been many times we've had bruises, scratches, marks and swollen eyes but still will not say what happen to anyone. The safest thing to do is lie.
Dear diary, today was a okay day. I called my sisters and talked to them on the phone. Grandma says I can invite them over to spend the night once we get my room situated. I miss mom. I wonder if she misses me. She hasn't called for either of us yet. I wonder if she still loves us. Grandma says she does. I hope so. I can't talk to Rashaad. He hasn't called us either. I hope he's okay. God bring us back to my mom please. I promise I will be good and on my best behavior this time. Please don't let grandma be mad that I don't want to stay. Grandma is nice but I want to go home with my mom. I don't like school. School was boring again today. The teacher annoys me. She called my name three times to read out loud in front of everyone. I can't stand being put on the spotlight. I wish grandma would let me stay home from school at least one day. The kids there all talks about how my clothes look dirty. They all say mean things like my mom is a crackhead. And that's why we don't have anywhere to stay. When it's time for dismissal the kids that rides the bus I use to ride are always laughing at me. They say their mom said my mom needs to stop doing crack. I know my mom isn't a crackhead though. Grandma says they're just talking. But it doesn't make me feel any better. One day I'm going to punch them in their faces all of them.
Goodnight love Promise

My mood today:
Sad
Annoyed
Happy again
Sad again
Aggravated
Sleepy