love speaks with kind words | completed

one

To my ex (part 1)

As I lay writing this, I have tears running from my eyes like they can't stand to be in this body any longer and the only sound you can hear are my quivers from holding it all back. I am breaking and I have broke you.

I'm thinking back to the amount of joy and hope I felt this morning after I removed myself from our complicated friendship and relationship, but besides love what even held us together for all of these years? and then thinking about how badly crushed I feel now like being pinned by all of our bad choices and decisions in the last four years, I can't believe there was a moment in today that wasn't spent breaking.

My heart beats too fast. My breaths are uneasy and scattered. I'm failing trying to hold myself together using paper tape. The memories I have of us burst through creating such a sick and tormented bang up against my heart and head. It echoes like canyons we've hiked, hollow and empty.

Then silence. Because I'm trying to quietly figure out why I talked so god damn loud about how badly I wanted to be free in the first place. Silence. Because at this very moment I can't place my finger on a single second in our history where I wasn't completely infatuated and obsessed with you.

The banging comes back to startle me, because here I am regretting the decision I made when this same morning I woke up with a smile on my face knowing that I didn't have to answer to you.

Throughout the day I was happy and smiling and telling my friends that I would be better off because I have myself to love.

But weren't you the one to show me which parts to love? When I hated myself inside and out, past and present, weren't you the one to talk me back down and explain to me why I was perfect? Why I deserve the world. Why you would do your best to show me infinite amounts of unconditional love.

I won't take credit for what I have not created.

And yeah, you know what, I was all of those things before you showed me. But what a fucking waste it would be had I never figured out how great I could be.

So let's try to figure out why i'm shaking so much under the thought of us no longer together. Why my heart is aching. Why my heart is breaking yet i'm the one to break yours.