Calzona One Shots

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

AN: I know it's sad, but an idea I had to get down. 

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Never in a million years would I imagine myself standing in this position. I'm standing in the dead autumn air staring at the concrete monument and I feel like I can't breathe. Involuntarily I reach out and touch the cold grey stone before me, slowly following the curves of each letter that is etched into the smooth surface. I still can't say it out loud. Every syllable feels like another stab to my chest, it's just a reminder that you're never gonna answer to your beautiful name again.

I let out a shaky breath before I bring myself to get up off the floor, and walk away from you. You're always going to be here, six feet under the cold hard ground. I'm never going to see you smile at me again. I'll never see the way you always furrowed your brow and stuck your tongue out when you concentrated on something. I'll never feel your embrace again. Worst of all, I will never again hear the words "I love you Calliope." Fall from your lips. The silence was deafening.

As I walked away, I mentally counted each step. Each one of those steps reminding me just how far away you are now. I always told you that it never mattered where you went, I would always follow you. I meant it to. Somehow, you managed to go to the one place I can't follow, and I want to, but I just can't.

Your mom asked me if I would help go through the things in your house, I said yes, no matter how much of an intruder I felt like, I could never say no to your mom. We hadn't been close for some time, not as close as we once were. When you were my everything, and I yours. The second I walked through the door of your house I felt like all the air had been knocked out of me, the smell of you invaded my nose as I stepped across the threshold. I had to take everything in, I didn't want to touch anything, I didn't want to move any of it, it meant packing up the pieces of your life to be put away or thrown out, and I couldn't cope with that thought.

Slung across the back off the chair was your jacket. You must have put it there that night. Knowing that jacket was one of the last things to touch you, I couldn't help but glide my hands over the smooth fabric. As I brush over where your shoulders would be, I try to remember how you feel, your touch.

I can feel your moms eyes burning into my back as I pick up your jacket. I hold onto it with everything I have as I bring it to my face and inhale the scent that as I always loved, like flowers, but sweet, just, oh so Arizona. I can feel my legs collapse under me as I start sobbing, your mom immediately wraps her arms around me while I stain the lining of your jacket with my tears. It's just your jacket. It doesn't hold the warmth of you that it once did, but still I cling to it. Maybe if I hold on tight enough, you'll walk through the door, tell me you're home. You'll walk through that door and tell me that you're still here.

I felt so helpless while I could feel your mother soothe me. She knew it was pointless and in vain, we both did. I would never be okay with this, something that both her and I have and always have in common.

Eventually, I found the strength to stand up, my legs still feeling weak but they held me. I slowly put my arms inside of your jacket and pulled it around me. I took a deep breath before making my way to your kitchen. I could feel your mom watching as I picked up a coffee mug you had left on the kitchen counter, the same thing every morning, always a half-finished cup where you had to run off because you were late. Cream with two sugars. I dumped the remaining coffee into the sink and washed your favourite mug, the one that Sof decorated the time we went to color me mine with pink and green flowers splodged around it, an imitation of your scrub cap, definitely for the keep pile. Such a simple gesture, yet in nearly killed me.

Slowly but surely, me and your mom made it through the house, your house, collecting and sorting all the items that made you. I sighed softly to myself at the stack of magazines you had, somethings never change. You always said they were mindless trash but you just couldn't help yourself. As I watched your mother put them in a trash bag I wanted to scream, but I know I don't have that right. Not anymore.

We saved your bedroom for last. We both knew it was going to be the hardest, the most personal. I had to calm myself down before we went in. it felt so bizarre to feel so foreign in your bedroom. I felt invasive. You had photos all over the house, as you always did, but as we sorted through your bedroom I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I looked at the photo of you and me on your bedside table, that once stood in the living room of the home we shared together, next to it a photo of me and Mark, with Sofia. I felt my heart break all over again at the thought of Sofia losing two parents, but the thought of you and Mark being together again, bickering like you always did, made my heart warm again. Out of the corner of my eye I could see as your mother put a few items in a box that she had been very specific about this whole time. After what feels like an eternity, she breaks the silence between us once we have finished.

"Callie, honey." Her own voice strained and tired. "Before you go, everything in that box is yours now. The stuff for Sof is downstairs but this, this is yours." She said with a weak smile as she fought off her own tears. "It's what she would have wanted."

"I- I can't." I whispered as tears started trickling down my face again.

"You can sweetheart, and you will. I know my daughter very well, and I know she would have given you everything, she always would have." She tells me sincerely.

I can only weakly nod in response, not trusting my own words.

We say our goodbyes, for now. Knowing thanksgiving is just around the corner and me and Sof will be going down to your parents house for dinner.

As I drive away, my heart feels heavier than it ever has. I don't want to know what's in that box. I don't want it to mean you're gone, I don't want you to be gone.

I don't know if I am actually going to be able to do this. I've been living without you for some time, but I've never had to live without you. You're underneath the ground and I'm above it, nothing either of us can do to change that.

Hours pass and I find myself laying on top of my bed, still engulfed in your jacket. I'm tired, more tired than I've ever been, but I just can't sleep. All that's going through my mind is fear. The fear that one day I'm going to wake up and I won't remember the sound of your voice. Afraid that I may forget your smile, afraid of forgetting the way your laugh sounds. I'm afraid of one day, just not remembering you, what happens then? I can feel my chest tighten at the thought and my throat constrict. I can feel my tears burning down my already tear stained cheeks.

I'm so sorry Arizona, for not loving you the way I should have, the way I wanted to.

You know that I would have followed you anyway,

But there are some places even I can't go.