Only When It's Too Late

Part 2

Even on a long, silent bus ride I still can't seem to clear my thoughts. This pain that seems to be called love, this feeling of guilt...it won't escape from my mind no matter how hard I try to force it out.

Watching the heavy rain drops assail the bus windows and hearing them slam against the roof, I find myself struggling to put my mind at rest.

Last week I talked to her. Rosaline. The girl I was painstakingly in love with. The girl who, no matter how hard I try, can I find any fault or flaw in her. I wish it was as easy for me to not pay her any mind as it was for everyone else in school. I wish I was another one of the herd of people that were regular bullies to her. It's a terrible thought, I know, but having life that easy and simple for me sounds a whole lot better than going through this pain.

We never talked face to face in school and if we did, it was for the purpose of me asking for tutoring or help on my homework. Although I put up a cold, brick wall between us in school we had countless conversations over text and skype or visiting each other's houses. She never complained to me about not talking to her in school or brought it up because she already knew why. She already knew that I was just another shallow jock that cares too much about what other people think. It's not like ignoring her felt good to me though...I do have a heart after all. Every time I would pass by her in the hallways, it took every fiber of my being not to go right up to her and kiss her and treat her like the stunning goddess status person that she was. Seeing her long, curly hair bounce up and down as she walked with that cute pep in her step as always. That perpetual smile plastered onto her face, always happy despite the torment she went through everyday given to her by people like me. Not me. But like me. I hate to associate myself with them because what they do is horrible...but it took so long for me to realize that I am the worst of them all. I may not have teased her or beat her up or stolen her belongings but I did leave an everlasting emotional scar for her to deal with the rest of her life.