Desiderium

I'm sorry, too

I could feel my face heat up, and within a few blinks a tear had escaped from my eye. I turned away from you quickly, I didn't want you to see the pain you had caused me.

The trees hanging over the water seemed to be the most interesting thing in the world, and for now, the perfect distraction.

Minutes that felt like hours, we sat on the dock, the only sounds being our breathing and the water splashing against the small shore of muddy rocks and dirt.

Being on this dock gave me a nostalgic feeling, reminding me of when I was a kid and would go look at the rocks and the baby crabs they'd bring.

I could feel your eyes on me and slowly the warm soft sensation of your hand atop of mine.
You've brought me so much pain, but yet, this simple gesture brings me nothing but comfort.
The slightest touch from you would always make my heart flutter.

I forced myself to look at our hands sitting on the old wooden dock, slowly swaying with each wave that came with the current. You could see the years of damage that people and the environment had done, my heart felt for it, it was once new, not cracked up and worn out with imperfections.

Another tear rolling down my cheek. Your warm soft thumb caressed my cheek where the tear had slowed.

I watched as you withdrew your thumb from my cheek and kissed away the tear that was on it. This only made more tears want to fall, why were you being so sweet after what you did to me?

Your calm voice filled my ears, "I made a mistake, M.. I'm sorry.."

My brain trying to rack itself around everything that had happen, trying to find the right words to drip off my tongue and go into that pretty little mind of yours, but I stayed silent.

My heart ached more than anything, all I wanted was to be with you, to be yours.

I removed my hand from under yours and once again, the only sound being our soft almost nonexistent breathing and the water underneath us.

The tips of your warm fingers connected with my chin and you gently moved my head in your direction.

I avoided looking you in your blue perfect eyes, instead focusing on the small ruffles in the water.

"Look at me," you pleaded, another tear without my permission fell and I did.

We stared at each other for a painfully long time before you decided to snaked your hand around my cheek, you closed your blue eyes and letting a tear of your own fall.

You slowly leaned forward and kissed me.

I remember the tingling sensation you left on my lips every time you would kiss me, I loved it when you did it out of love and I loved it now when I knew it'd be our last. It'd be the last time I ever felt your touch on my skin, the last time you'd look at me with pleading eyes, the last time we'd speak, the last time I'd really love you.

You moved your palm away from my cheek, leaving a chill there and also in my heart.

My mind made a thought and my body acted swiftly.

Getting up quickly before everything inside of me could scream and shout at me to turn around and stay there, to kiss you harder and more passionate, to lean into you, to run my fingers through your hair and whisper in your ear things that I knew would make those beautiful perfect lips of yours smile, but I remembered your actions, the things you had done to hurt me, the pain I felt, the things you had said, the long unnecessary apology after apology. I couldn't wrap my head around why you'd do this to someone who only ever tried to make you happy.

I left you there that day, sitting on that imperfect but beautiful dock where we had so many of our firsts and lasts, leaving you with an "I'm sorry, too.."