Desiderium

Jesus Surfing On the Sun

I grew up in a house where we always had to go to church on Sunday's, have this perfect pancake breakfast before and have the perfect lunch at a restaurant we'd probably been to a thousand times after.
It was a tradition, a must do.

Like when you had to wear those white lace socks that every little girl hated wearing because they were too itchy,
Or when you had to get your fingernails scrubbed clean to the point where it started to hurt because you couldn't dare go to church with a spec of dirt under your nails.

We'd go to Sunday school, learn about the Ten Commandments and do a coloring sheet on I don't know.. Jesus surfing on the sun.
But as we got older, Sunday school turned into Wednesday night youth groups and learning about the ten commandments and coloring Jesus surfing on the sun turned into learning about the sins we've committed and will continue to commit and asking for forgiveness because if we don't, we'll go to hell.

But we also learned about free will and how everyone has the right to choose what they do and believe in,
But if we have free will and the right to choose, why is loving someone such a dreadful sin?

We're categorized into separate groups,
One group: the people who go to church, that listen when they're told to do something with the information going in one ear and not out the other, the people that bring home all A's on their report card that only has to put little to no work in, and the people that love who they were told to love.
And the other group: the people who don't go to church when they're suppose to, that when they get told to do something the information goes in one ear and out the other, that bring home C's on their report card and get told that that's not good enough that they can do better even if they're trying their best, and the ones that love who they want to love even after being told not to.

I envy those who love who they want..
Because why is it such a terrible sin to love who you want to love?
Why can't I look at that girl and say that I want to love her without being told I'm going to hell? Without being labeled something I don't even understand?

It's like there's a war going on in my mind, piling up the pros and the cons,
If I say I want to love her, I go to hell for all of eternity and get told, "I can show you where in the Bible it says that that's wrong, that it's a sin."
If I say she's just another beautiful girl with a nice smile, I'm safe, I'm okay, I won't go to hell, but I miss out on being myself, I miss out on living, I miss out on loving someone amazing.

I want to be able to love her without having to convince myself every day it's the wrong thing, I want to be able to love her without being scared too,
Because loving someone shouldn't bring fear to your heart just because of their gender, loving someone should make you smile your most real smile and make you the best version of yourself.

Sometimes when my mind piles up the pros and cons, I'll let the pros outweigh the cons because if Jesus can surf on the sun, I think I should be able to choose who I love.