Desiderium

demon dreams

I don't think people get it, the loneliness.

Even when I'm surrounded by all my favorite people, I still feel the consuming feeling of aloneness.

I hate to admit it, but at this point, people are like small distractions to the feelings I feel.

My mind is too loud most of the time, it wouldn't allow me to have something, a distraction permanently.

Or maybe it's just the world being against me, taking my chances of happiness that turn into something permanent and safe.

Or maybe it's just me,

The sadness that comes with the loneliness is too much sometimes, where I go days of sleeping all day and night just for an escape,

But my mind doesn't let me do that without there being consequences.

I wish I could go back to when I was a little girl, when my nightmares were so unrealistic, filled with monsters that hid under my bed and in my closet and you were alive to protect me from them.

Now my nightmares are the monsters, the demons that live in my head. They like to haunt me, they like to make my dreams feel like a different reality.

They tease me sometimes, they take me back to when you were alive and could put your arms around me and breathe the words, "I love you." They make me feel safe and warm and then snatch it away from me.

They're the happiest dreams I've had in a long time but also the saddest dreams i've had, I still wake up with my heart aching and my brain screaming at me.

The thought of you not being here, the things that happens in the dreams are never going to be real. It makes my heart break all over again. You're never going to have the chance to move my hair out of my face and kiss my forehead goodbye on my first day of high school. I'll never get the chance to tell you I love you again. You'll never be able to protect me from the big bad world out there. I'll never know what it's like for my father to walk me down the isle and give me away on my wedding day. My kid will never meet his grandfather. I'll never get to tell you who I am.

So many never's that my dreams love to remind me of.