PASSAGE ( J. JUNGKOOK )

23:34

07. FOR THAT FIRE

the first time i came over to your house to hang out, you had this elaborate plan for us to watch movies and basically just be ourselves without having to worry about outer interference. i remember you saying something about how there were no swings i could get stuck in, and that you'd escort me around the house to make sure i didn't break any bones.

i told you to leave me alone, but i really wanted you to do the opposite. i called you a bully, and you smiled this soft smile and only said, "but you like it anyway," followed by a faint, "right?"

and it was the first time i'd ever seen you doubt yourself. you were always so confident, so untouchable and invincible; you carried yourself with a poise i didn't even realise i admired. every word that left your mouth was assertive, like you had every ounce of faith in yourself. until then.

i stared for a moment, and you hopefully and anxiously stared back, wringing your hands nervously. it was when i hesitantly, barely nodded that you relaxed and that familiar smile graced your lips once more.

we settled down to watch whatever film you'd picked for us (i think it was an animation,) but then you sprang up and started rambling about a lost remote. you spent what must've been an hour pacing the house in search of it. you didn't stop until i told you that it was okay, that i didn't mind just sitting with you. i didn't need a movie to keep myself entertained; you and your ramblings were enough.

you were so on edge that day. looking back, you must've had a doctor's appointment that day, right? i know they made you really anxious and irritable, ultimately and unavoidably making your day terrible. back then, though, i just assumed you were nervous about what i guess was our first date. (i still do think that you were, but i also think you would've been much more calm about it, had you not gotten another reminder of your demise that day.)

we talked for a while. we laughed a lot, mostly at things that didn't even make sense. i could tell you were still bothered, but you tried your hardest to rise to the occasion and make sure i had a good time. thank you.

right before i left, standing by the front door, we kissed. your lips were like heaven and it left my heart thundering in my chest. my brain was set ablaze, and that fire spread throughout my entire body in a way i didn't even think possible. it was the purest of drugs, one that i became immediately dependent on.

even in that small, fleeting moment, i knew i'd live (and die) for that fire. for that drug. for you.

you were shaking – your hands, your lips; your entire body was trembling. i'm sorry for jokingly asking you if you were cold when the kiss broke, even though i assumed you were probably nervous because of me. even writing that i feel so arrogant. honestly? i just didn't know what to say. when our lips met, you stole not only my words, but my ability to even think rationally.

you still smiled, though, knowing that wasn't at all the case.

it must've been so tiring always being so happy for me. i'm sorry.

TWENTY-SIX MINUTES REMAINING